It is time to write again…from the bottom of my heart. It is in this darkened alleyway of thought that this even darker morsel of creativity crawled from out of the shadows- to enlighten the lightened, that they might feel the rime-ice of one heart, learn from its heaviness, then soar with the revelation one finds when lifted from that expression. For it is in confession and reflection that the heart finds its way again…and so, I shall start the unveiling…
it is a confession i must make
without a priest or presence beside me
other than that which cannot be contained
yet I will not speak of this mystery here, but of another there
in the darkened recesses of an even deeper alleyway
where soul and spirit mix with memories
and reflections shattered-
shards of the temporal,
pieces of the painful
I came across a package of memory today; a piece of the past, shelved within my computer. I opened a series of old emails I had saved in a file…they were painful reminders, expressions from a once loving, but then raging, fiend, out of control with hateful remarks and deceitful boasts. It revealed a poor soul who fled from even her own identity…
So, why had I kept that series of emails and returns in saved mail for three years? Why would I need the evidence of her unfaithfulness now, of her break from all that she once held dear- why? I had ceased punishing myself early on, as one should do when the other breaks the covenant. Why? Because it is hard to let even pain go- because we need someone to know the injustice that has been done to us…even if we can do nothing much about it. I learned a long time ago that only God can heal such…but it is still satisfying to know that someone human sympathizes with you. I am a better person today than before because the compassion is there for the ones who have gone through the same, or are going through it…
But again, why hold on? Maybe part of it is because we avoid reflection on the painful…and on the fact that it is often a process that one must pass through. I am reminded of a fine object passing through the fire to become a stronger, purer vessel. That is what we must be, must allow ourselves to become- to leave the past behind.
So, we must practice reflection. I had no real right to hold onto those pieces of email, I should have deleted them years ago. And now that I have, the last morsel of rejection is gone. I have God as my witness- why would I need emails? Who will judge anyway?
So today I grew some more…as we all should. I have returned more to my roots, and more to the patterns and practices I knew before the pain. Hurt will often muddle the mind and heart, and even a small shadow can linger for years, but not in my mind, not in my heart. For I did what I should have done- deleted each and every one- completely forgiven. It is a good thing that God is gracious and forgiving and can help us forget the pain of the past…so we can move on completely free.