Horizonally Challenged


Solar weight is so yesterday…so lame. On other planets I’m not even half as heavy as here. Why, even on Mars I only would weigh 55 pounds. Yet, Iike Garfield the Cat, I have somehow accumulated a patch of surface area known as “the meadows…” whoops….known as “the tummy,” which is slightly bigger than “the belly” was a few years ago. This followed “the stomach” somewhere in my juvenile years, when my mother would say, “You’re gonna get fat if you keep eating all that ice cream.” I have had to watch my diet and work on shedding pounds. However, I am even more liberated by the fact that I appear skinny compared with my compadres, so now I am completely reassured that I too can be a supermodel…

Well, at least I’m not horizonally challenged. As an observant writer, I have pondered, even contemplated…the habits of the weebly-wobbly world (but not timey-wimey) as they weeble and wobble from grocery store exits to their parking lot destinations…or on their way around the Ryan’s food trough…the Shoney’s Greese Pit…or the McDonaldland tiny-chair-glued-to-the-concrete-floor-managerie. I have noted their lack of balance, and their peculiar way of rendering themselves conscious in a gravitationally-challenged world. I have watched as these poor unfortunates have gouged the contents of a triple dip chocolate-caramel layered DQ dessert while I munch on fiber-enriched salad mix resembling farm ruffage…and I have wondered…what planet am I on? What inspired these persons to want to work on annexing property into their temporal temples at a rate staggering in comparison to even the national debt? Yet, I am reminded by the changing way we see ourselves- the glossing over of imperfections into some kind of survey checklist that makes it politically and socially unacceptable to see ourselves as “imperfect” in any way…

Even dating sites online are confusing when reflecting upon our temporal bodies. One must select from an increasingly confusing array of choices with fat nuances that fail to admit fatness. In fact, I have realized that I am no longer average in weight…because the average weight of a man my age and height is…too fat…at least in the developing world of the USA (developing into a superplex of fleshy globs). So, because I exercise, hike up mountains, and actually can stoop down and pick up something not far from my chair, I am no longer average…but athletic…at least in this country…

I suppose that means that I can stop by McNuggetland and order an occasional 20-piece styrafoam-enriched meal, although I haven’t done so in nearly six months. (Or, I could just stop by for the sauce, which is a whole lot tastier). But likely I won’t, because I am surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses…who weeble and wobble…and I never want to end up like that. I am terribly saddened by their struggles, but also believe that too many people in this particular nation have made it more than socially acceptable to be horizontally challenged…and something is significantly wrong when a society begins to worship that which fills their bellies. I am further disgusted by some “church folk” who rail on about sins of the flesh, but who feed at the food trough following services like a cow gorging themselves before the slaughter…

So, you probably won’t see me in line at many fast food restaurants anywhere. And hopefully, I’ll see you at the salad bar…because…who really wants to end up so fat they have forgotten the joys of not feeling the gravitational pull?

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About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, entrepreneur, and disciple- this side of Tir Na N'Og- living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley, store-made soda bread resembles an inedible Irish megalith, and Kerrygold is only found hidden like a luck penny in the belly of Kroger. This blog is an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of my posts, thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple.wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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