the trouble with bacon

Someone scattered a “significant” amount of “raw” bacon in Central Park. The news media in NYC are calling it a potential “hate crime” against Moslems. My God, what an insult! Why, it’s as nasty as someone mailing a package of raw sauerkraut to a Jew…or leaving blood pudding on the doorstep of a pentecostal preacher’s house…

…but then again, the Jew and the Pentecostal would recognize the craziness of the situation, which must mean that the Jew and the Pentecostal might actually be rational thinkers. Any person suggesting that discarding bacon on a grassy knoll is a hate crime are a few fries short of a happy meal, a few disk errors short of a total meltdown, or a few votes shy of a fair Russian presidential election.

But…maybe I am not being fair to the poor despised zealots who believe Central Park is holy ground. Maybe bacon is “unclean.” The latter is likely the truth, unless the pig contains free range feed that does not include dead body parts, cans, and other oddities that pigs like to munch on- if given the opportunity. In fact, we might even say that any animal that eats things we qualify as “unhealthy” could be unhealthy. But that is not the point of the article. No, the assertion is that raw bacon is a hate crime.

…which makes me want to check my Baconator, bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich, or bacon cheeseburger the next time I indulge in greasy food- just to make sure it does not contain bacon. I could sue Wendys, McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Burger King- all the chocked-full-of-greese pork enriched establishments this side of Marrakesh- just because bacon is a hate crime. But, truth be known, I do not find the presence of bacon to be a hate crime. However….

…the presence of okra is another matter. It smells like the proverbial thrown shoe, cooks in a slimy way, and contains seeds like those within the alien seed pods documented in the Weekly World News. Anyone dispensing okra pods in an area within twenty yards of an Irish pub should be arrested for hate crimes against the freckled race. We have rights too. It is time someone did something about these hate crimes because we are sick and tired of these hate crimes against our people.

Someone actually got hit by flying okra last week. He went to his parish priest, scrubbed with holy water, and called the police to report the attack. He has since been moved to an undisclosed location, to avoid further attacks.

It is time to call for an end to these hate crimes. After all, these incidents represent a serious spiral in crime…not the petty serial murders, black mob violence, and rampant crime festering in our cities. No, spreading bacon and okra are a whole lot more serious crime.

About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from,,, and are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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3 Responses to the trouble with bacon

  1. The world has gone mad…what more can we say? If every culture was as outraged as that particular one nothing would get done. The courts would be full of law suits and real criminals would walk the streets perfectly free to commit real serious crimes….murder, rape and child abuse. When will we wake up and see what is really important?

  2. Pingback: Hilariously Funny: 2013 | thelostkerryman

  3. kerbey says:

    Now I want to eat some fried okra and some fried bacon.

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