18 Hot Dogs, 3 Pounds of Gummi Bears, 78 Plastic Letters, and a Porcelin Potty


Someone is watching you drive, someone is watching you walk through the hallways, and someone is monitoring your computer usage- all in the name of security, marketing or standardization. The latter is an obsession of Bureaucratic governments, and the federal government of the United States of America is one of the most diligent to impose these standardizations.

Take, for example, the Federal Decree of 1995, which mandates that all usable toilets within the USA must flush with precisely 1.0 gallons of water (unless waterless), equalizing waste disposal. The ADA (which should be the PPA) inspects toilets to make sure they are compliant. They are, in short, the Toilet Police, supported by a beehive of office-dwelling government workers, whose sole job is to produce volumes of documentation. This, my friend, is what makes America what it is. To say we are grateful for their work is like saying we are grateful for PMS, the IRS, and the color of the UPS- the latter referring to the exquisite ca-ca brown of the colored trucks. But I digress…

It is with solemnity (and classical music) that one of the USDA’s leading compliant toiletologists reveals the wonders of the one gallon  flush. ADA compliant toilet company, St. Thomas (there’s an English joke in there somewhere), revealed the secrets of this technology with a video demonstrating the awesome power of their porcelin pooper. A sightless hand fed 18 hot dogs into the ADA compliant toilet, only to be flushed to hot dog hell. And while that might approximate actual toilet contents in size and maybe even color, the sightless hand continued a relentless attack on the poor potty with a sequence of (and I kid you not- see the video) carrots, plastic chess pieces, 3 pounds of Gummi Bears, and 78 plastic letters and numbers, ie, the entire contents of one set from Sesame Street.

In what must be a comment on the times, the ADA recently complained that there have been “numerous outcries from the public regarding poor flushing” since the last mutant toilet was removed from the face of Skaro (whoops- the USA). One wonders what might happen if the voting public demanded the redundancy of the toilet bureaucracy, saving the government millions of dollars per year.

Such an act might arrest the current downward economic spiral, bringing an explosion in trans-continental toilet marketing. America could rise up – after being seated for awhile (wipe yourself here)- and take her place at the top of the throne. America could be great once again…

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About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur- this side of Tir Na N'Og- living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley, store-made soda bread resembles an inedible Irish megalith, and Kerrygold is only found hidden like a luck penny in the belly of Kroger. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, talesinastrangerstrangerland@wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple@wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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