The wind outside is blowing so hard that some dude’s mind just passed by. I know it because a weather genius stood out in the cold and reported the story. And, you and I both know that when a weatherman speaks, he never lies. Oh, he may get a forecast wrong, but he will never lie…even if he is a she….

So, as I sit here, all wrapped up in the heat of a 70-degree thermostat, I can’t help but wonder why the outside weather doesn’t match what the weather expert is reporting. I have scanned the internet hoping to find some semblance of stability. Unfortunately, what I do see is a compilation of scattered models that would make an old Russian five-year plan blush.

Depending on the source, the weather brains have forecast four to sixteen inches of snow for my little town over the course of the next forty-eight to seventy-two hour period. I am so glad they have been so instructive, because I wouldn’t have a clue otherwise. I wouldn’t even know that it was snowing by going outside my house and feeling the spitting white stuff cover the rim of my hooded coat. No, I need a weather expert to tell me the facts. After all, I’m only human…whereas, the weather megagods are…

…all over the map. Quite literally. In vehicles, on bicycles, under overpasses, they are outstanding at the edge of hurricane waste dumps and blustering blizzards. They are in restaurants closed to civilians, courthouses chained shut after hours, and vehicle confiscation yards…everywhere. They are more omnipresent than Chinese restaurants…

…in odd locations…but, they are never reporting what is actually happening in my town. No, they are forecasting and predicting, like a toddler talking about the stock market on a Monday morning. Or, another idiot producing another Gangnam style parody. Or, an Obama-happy pollster lying about Obama leading in…anything…

…which is why I’d like a little explanation. I have been laboring under the delusion that weathermen and weatherwomen are sainted individuals under the guidelines set down by the Catholic Church. I know for a fact that several have produced miracles- snowstorms where there was no snow, end-of-the-world hurricanes that missed whole states, and heat waves that stayed around longer than the smell of a Hardee’s fish sandwich.

I’m going to get down to the bottom of this. And when I do, all Heaven is going to break loose….

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