A love letter to the IRS

Dear Ms. IRS Employee,

Grazing through the news fodder of another day, I noticed a memo from your supervisor’s office, claiming that your agency may be reading my emails, checking my personal records, and even following my habits. It is with this in mind that I have written to you, in hopes that you will read this and we can be  friends…or maybe something more.

You see, for years I have suspected that you have had some romantic interest in me. Your office has- on occasion- sent copious amounts of correspondence  to remind me of our “on again-off again” relationship in the past. And, while I admit, I was flattered, I never really believed that such an important person could find me so attractive. After all, I usually only file a standard 1040 form.

But then you started paying closer attention to me. You reminded my accountant that the two of us spoke on the phone and that you were desiring a closer, more intimate commitment from me. You said you didn’t want to talk with him anymore. Well, I can read between the lines. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. You wrote to tell me how happy you were, counting the days until I sent you a little gift or a warm little letter. I admit, I blushed, thinking about your warm body up there in that office, lonely for another phone call, or another memo to cross your desk. After all, I know just how lonely it can be stuck in a high rise building, surrounded by paper pushers.

So, I called you again. You asked me about my dog- the invisible one- the people in my family, and my spending habits as a single adult male. I thought you were a bit forward, but now I understand. You wanted some information, something solid to build our relationship.

And that is when I suspected it. You didn’t call, you played hard to get. You didn’t send me a 1040 book. You didn’t send me a Christmas card. you didn’t even give my name to those representatives that used to send me Christmas cards. In short, you made it clear that you were looking at someone else.

But then I heard the news. Then I knew the truth- you haven’t been ignoring me, just following me from afar. It made me so happy to know, you haven’t forgotten me after all. So, I thought I’d drop you a line or two and ask if you wanted to go out for dinner sometime. After all, you probably know a whole lot more about me now and we could really connect now. I am gushing at the seams, just waiting.

Yours, sincerely,

your secret admirer.

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