Gravity is for the birds

I have to admit- “online dating” sites are amusing, though not particularly beneficial for a guy like me. Some sites seem to reel in a different kind of fish- those that smell to high heaven. Others offer vixens that believe they are “goddesses,” with dubious titles like “country goddess,” or “angel goddess.” Still other sites feature cigarette-smoking hags fighting gravity and ugliness, four-wheeling mommas over 300 pounds- another sign gravity is at work, or those spam-seeking missiles- silky milfs- a word better spoken when lisping. The worst sites are those that promise a hotel room and some Russian roulette with Katya, who happens to be 20 years younger and does look wonderful in that….whatever-thing she is wearing. And if I was Russian….

But I am not. In fact, I am taking my time…and being very thoughtful about “things cyber-random.” Because, my friend, that is the genre I would label these garden-centers of dating (and yes, some appear to have garden utensils). I know you would say “a spade is a spade” but online, a rake may appear to be a mattock, a lime spreader, or even an axe- though I will take the rakish look any day over the lime spreader. You could say “dating is like a garden shed, you never know what you’re gonna get till you open the door and see her.” In the case of my first and only parking lot rendevous- God, what was I thinking- she turned out to be an old fashioned bushel basket- stretched round the belly, dry-looking, just about the shade of hickory. I knew she was wasn’t pregnant, but that thing where her waist should have been, was the same shape of a basketball. And if I had a camera, I would have…

But I didn’t. And the truth is, I am looking more for a songbird than a lime spreader, in a land filled with 200 and 300 pound lime spreaders. Someone who will sing to me like a cardinal or chickadee in the morning. Someone who will have the energy to flitter from tree to tree on our adventures together, but be faithful only to me. Someone who will fly with me on the heights of the wind, instead of being grounded because all her sharpness has dulled and she is only good to be placed in the old tool shed. Yes, you could say, I am looking for someone not so tied down to gravity…

Or on-line dating sites…

(This was one of my first posts. This is reposted for Beth…and for a few good laughs…)

About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from,,, and are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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1 Response to Gravity is for the birds

  1. ksbeth says:

    love this and i understand completely.

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