Things That Did Not Happen This Year


As I look back on the year, it is cumbersome for me  to dissect all the posts and events that filled my life in 2013. So- I have decided to treat you to a list of some of the more important things that did not happen to me this year…

1. I did not get abducted by aliens from Chu’lak. Although I watched nearly every episode of the Stargate series, the stargate did not lock onto my coordinates.

2. Miley Cyrus did not visit my house in the nude. Not sure whether that was bad or good.

3. I never learned what the fox says. I have been in therapy ever since.

4. The doctors did not remove an eight foot intestinal worm from my bowels. However, there were many web news accounts of spiders, birds, tiny snakes, salamanders, mold, fungi, mitochondria, baba ganoush, and more…invading men, women, children, and bacon…

5. I never got to ride in a gypsy caravan, dance with a beautiful gypsy woman, nor gallop away on a horse called Tir Na N’Og…

6. My ex did not return to my neighborhood via a wormhole. Thank God.

7.  No giant sinkhole, meteor, hurricane, nor tsunami swallowed my apartment, my car, my refrigerator, my stove, my snow shovel, nor my elf hat…

8. I did not get lost forever in a giant Walmart parking lot and discover a black hole. Not even at Christmas.

9. I never found myself singing “O Canada” in French, while skating with baguettes, at an NHL hockey game in Ottawa during a blizzard. Although it might actually happen in Canada…to some guy… 

10. I never saw Sasquatch at one of the reported sighting areas…of course, I forgot to bring any beef jerky, so…

By the way, check out my colleague “Gimpet” at repressedexpressions.com. It was her blog post that got me thinking about doing a “year-end” type post.

Advertisements

About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur- this side of Tir Na N'Og- living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley, store-made soda bread resembles an inedible Irish megalith, and Kerrygold is only found hidden like a luck penny in the belly of Kroger. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, talesinastrangerstrangerland@wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple@wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
This entry was posted in Culture, humor, Life and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Things That Did Not Happen This Year

  1. raghu198 says:

    May your wild wish come true in 2014. 🙂

  2. Totomaru says:

    Reblogged this on Totomaru's blog and commented:
    Haha. It’s true and it’s funny 😀

  3. gimpet says:

    LOL, where are my replies to [most] of these? Although you changed them up a bit I see.
    I give you leave to sing O Canada on your blog site anytime and I will give you the thumbs up for trying. And, being Irish, you should do just fine.
    “I never got my Walmart card number stolen”. Oh wait a minute, that’s Target….and yes I did. I am a Target spending whiz.
    LOL, LOL over the natural phenomena! I am having sporadic seizures of giggles and laughing makes me sneeze right now!

    • Yes, dear one, I did change some when revising for my actual post. You replied to my comment on your blog post after I had already penned Things That Did Not Happen This Year. After reading over my comment, I decided to revise it, in light of my more widely spread audience.

      I am a big fan of hockey (like hurling and ice skating mixed) and “O Canada” is in my top 10 favorite national anthems (surely there is a post in there somewhere).

      • gimpet says:

        I am mortified to say that I know only England and the US. And I fudge the words on ours, agree that it is a little lame. Now if you could just hum the tune for O Canada? 🙂 Sigh, I will look it up and not be lazy.
        Now what are your goals for 2014? Crack me up some more please I could use another sneeze. HAHA that rhymes [achoo]

      • My Most Amazing and Annoying Goals for the Year 2014:

        1. Resolved, I shall not dine on peanut butter during the Year 2014; I shall be celebate. I shall not engage in any intimate moment with a Reece’s cup, peanut butter and jelly covered bagel, nor any object that can be modified by a gel-like peanut substance. I shall tame the monster that is my stomach by refraining…in abstinence.

        2. Resolved, in the Year 2014, I shall not grab the microphone at the supermarket and yell PRICE CHECK ON STAYFREE MAXI PADS ever again…

        I am getting there?

      • gimpet says:

        Number one is a total lie to yourself and your readers. Reece’s are a part of life and life must be worth living. Reeces are therefore not ever a component of the resolution list. Instead may I suggest changing the peanut butter to almond butter. Better for you. But leave the Reeces alone. My post will say nothing on this subject as I know it will FAIL.
        You would not really do that would you? So again, a useless resolution. Oh, I get it, resolutions are useless so all of your resolutions will be of the useless but humorous variety. Sorry, it’s late and for a moment my eyes bugged out on #2. LOL [sneeze]

      • These were not serious resolutions. I guess I did fail with this…will manage something else in the afternoon. can’t sleep right now. insomnia

      • gimpet says:

        No you didn’t! I was just ribbing you a little, Peanut Butter is Sacrosanct (spelling?) and not to be resolved in my [tongue-in-cheek] opinion. I think a funny resolution list is great and I cant wait to read all of them.
        Im sorry about the insomnia. I often don’t sleep past 3 pm, but I do usually sleep some. Total insomnia only comes for me in hypomanic states, thankfully not for some time. Nurse ME says: Stop caffeine mid afternoon, don’t take naps, don’t read or watch TV in bed, and try Alteril (OTC med that is pretty good found at places like CVS or Walgreens) and “call me in the morning”. My fee is a funny post on your resolutions.

  4. reocochran says:

    I think it is very good that most of those things did not happen to you! I am sure if a nude person or naughtily partially dressed woman would drop by, you would prefer it to be like Cheryl Tiegs or someone who has aged gracefully and is still a nice person!
    I am grateful for the lack of wormholes or aliens in my life, too! Smiles, Robin

  5. Pingback: Hilariously Funny: 2013 | thelostkerryman

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s