101 Things To Do With A Handful Of Hummus (Newly expanded version)

For my “newer” readers, this was one of my best humor posts:


Spell check doesn’t like it. My daughter doesn’t like it. My mother says it looks like dog food. And I agree. But hummus doesn’t taste like dog food…does it?

My preference is traditional- scooped up with warm, olivy, crunchy pita bread…in fact, my lunch was mighty good!

Not like the commercials I see on TV- they suggest all kinds of uses for hummus as a dip- like using it to dip carrots or chicken planks. Those crazy people on TV use hummus for all kinds of crazy dips. I have never dipped broccoli into a cool pile of hummus, but I am positive it must be a wonderful experience. After all, a handful of hummus can do wonders…just like a handful of duct tape.

101 Things a Handful of Hummus Could Do….:

1. use it for plaster repair  2. mix it with mudding compound for a tasty wall finish  3. create hummus swirls on the ceiling to accentuate the style of your living room or kitchen  4. be the only person on your block to feature a lickable driveway 5. mix it with cement for a cool, tan-grey walkway 6. make your mortar go farther with a little hummus between the bricks when you are building 7. mix it with frosting mix for a truly middle eastern flavored icing 8. drop a handful of hummus in the boy’s room at school and see what happens! 9. Armed Forces: put it on the tips of missiles as you insert them into your missile launchers (finally some weapons with taste) 10. use it as fake dog food  11. or as fake dog vomit 12. lure your dog into the house with a thin line of hummus 13. use it as a cat deterrant (sticky kitty!) 14. pour a handful into yellowjacket holes to deter angry bees 15. hide a dollop around home plate…the other team won’t want to step on the bag (baseball, for all of you in non-baseball playing nations) 16. put it on a Nathan’s Hot Dog as a sauce…if you don’t want it, give it to Joey Chestnut…he’ll eat it 17. or, just give it Joey Chestnut 18. take it to a chicken pull 19. take it to a mule pull 20. take it to a square dance 21. take it to Burger King- stick your current movie-action figure in it to make it resemble quicksand!  22. play hummus toss (slightly more dangerous than midget tossing) 23. lure badgers with it  24. paint a fence with hummus  25. tie it up in a bandana and hurl it at an approaching possum  26. as you near a dead skunk on the road, open the window and drop a handful of hummus on it…to diffuse the smell  27. mix it in your pasta sauce for a truly fascinating taste! 28. bury it in the backyard and have the neighborhood kids play “the hummus games,” complete with huge hunting bows 29. go out into the woods and stick some hummus on a bush and see if the deer/geese/cows/goats will actually eat it  30. mix it with mashed okra, then put it in your homemade shotgun shells- it will be potent enough to kill everyone’s appetite 31. use a thin layer of hummus to get out scratches in CDs  32. dance the night away….in a dress made of hummus and pita 33. put it in with your fish fingers and custard 34. hummus curry sauce- need I say more?  36. mix with mashed potatoes  37. put out a fire with a handful of hummus 38. use it to make Hummus Souffle 39. or, a hummus omlette  40. instead of throwing snowballs, throw hummus balls. 41. line a football field/hurling field with “limed hummus.” 42. dip your beef jerky in hummus 43. put it in christmas cake or mincemeat 44. for a lamb-less stew, insert hummus instead 45. fix your dentures with it (hummus bond) 46. clean oil spills with it 47. mix it with sand for an amazing doggy doo-doo toy 48. cover your jello or other gelatin with it, like icing 49. fill a pool full of handfuls of hummus 50. use a handful as a fake beard…

OK, I came up with 50. Now, I challenge my creative, artistic audience to finish the 101 Things To Do With a Handful of Hummus…

About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, talesinastrangerstrangerland@wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple@wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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3 Responses to 101 Things To Do With A Handful Of Hummus (Newly expanded version)

  1. Sean Breslin says:

    Well played. To be fair, I am a fan of hummus.


  2. gimpet says:

    #4 and 11 made me laugh until I couldn’t breathe for coughing. Where did you THINK of all of these? I LOVE hummus, esp the garlic or red pepper kind. Scoop it up with any veggie and the combination is wonderful. But, disclaimer, my taste buds are damaged from surgery and chemo, so I am not food critic-worthy. Ok let me try. 51: foot de-smeller 52: hummus and baking soda will kill and clean anything….give it a try and let me know if this is true 🙂 53: Adjunctive foreplay anyone? LOL 54: makes a great pumice (does that rhyme with hummus?) 55: dip in a bowl and bake. give as gift to person you didn’t want to give a present to 56: Eau De Hummus for that date you were Suckered Into 57: heating source 58: hair de-greaser (let me know how that works as well) 59: cathartic 60: or maybe actually a bulk former, LOL
    Yeah I got 10! And my first 10 disappeared, so you almost didn’t get any as I almost broke my computer……

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