The Lost Kerryman in the Land of Ranch Dressing

a massive quilt, a series of high trusses, and an Ohio flag hung from the rafters of the metal pole building, trying to pass as a convenience store.

“You have salad?”

“We got garden salad.”

it was buried under the dozen American pizza choices, deep fried cheese sticks. and other cholesterol-enriched menu items. i looked for a dressing list…

She waited, hand on hip, frowning.

“Dressing- where’s your dressing?”

“I got ranch, eye-talian, and ranch.”

Junior and his tall buddy in denim overalls slipped by and sat at a ’70’s style Pizza Hut table. 

“Did you say ‘ranch’?”

“What other kinda dressing is there?”

I ordered…and wandered around the store. Passing a row of deep fried snacks in plastic bags…a row of scientifically created puffed candies…and a row of generic paper products and white bread…

Junior’s father- or someone genetically related- passed me. I escaped his presence- and essence- by returning to the aisle near the Soviet-era deli counter…


A pizza appeared from some mystery food prep area. 

I stared at the feed pallet beside me, trying not to feel foreign. That was when I spotted the goat chow. The side of the bag was torn open, as if someone wanted a free sample…

“Here’s your salad.”

She handed me a stapled brown paper bag containing a hidden plastic container. 

I took it to the cashier’s counter, paid for it, and found my car. 

Several miles down the road, free from staring eyes, I found a safe gravel road turn off, pulled in, then opened my bag. The plastic container revealed a huge rabbit-food-like pile of torn iceberg lettuce, so large it sprung out onto the floor. 

With my fork I dug down into the pile, until I discovered a thin layer of tomato pieces, green pepper pieces, strips of onion, and enough banana peppers to fill a small bottle. Nothing else. 

I scouped up the lettuce on the floor hunting for my dressing. It is no wonder I didn’t find it. Because when I did, I nearly spilled the rest of my salad.

It lay on the floor, having rolled out of the paper bag. It looked like a free drink. But inside the large cup, it was all ranch dressing. Enough to paint a fence… 

After spilling enough salad and dressing to feed a small child, I ate the rest of  the contents within the container…

Then I drove through the country over a one lane gravel road to a nature preserve.

Into a thinned hemlock and hardwood forest, I hiked, until the stream below me dropped several feet….and I saw this-


and walking closer…


…finding a waterfall…far from Junior, goat feed, and the Ranch Dressing Lady…


 …where I listened to the symphonic music of God’s natural wonders…in peace…




About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from,,, and are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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3 Responses to The Lost Kerryman in the Land of Ranch Dressing

  1. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:

  2. Java Girl says:

    Wow. I love waterfalls. Reminds me of the ones down in the jungles of Brazil. 🙂

  3. Kirsten says:

    Beautiful waterfall. So glad, you only ate what was left in the container. I thought you might go for the 5 minute rule 🙂

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