The Lost Kerryman in the Land of Ranch Dressing


a massive quilt, a series of high trusses, and an Ohio flag hung from the rafters of the metal pole building, trying to pass as a convenience store.

“You have salad?”

“We got garden salad.”

it was buried under the dozen American pizza choices, deep fried cheese sticks. and other cholesterol-enriched menu items. i looked for a dressing list…

She waited, hand on hip, frowning.

“Dressing- where’s your dressing?”

“I got ranch, eye-talian, and ranch.”

Junior and his tall buddy in denim overalls slipped by and sat at a ’70’s style Pizza Hut table. 

“Did you say ‘ranch’?”

“What other kinda dressing is there?”

I ordered…and wandered around the store. Passing a row of deep fried snacks in plastic bags…a row of scientifically created puffed candies…and a row of generic paper products and white bread…

Junior’s father- or someone genetically related- passed me. I escaped his presence- and essence- by returning to the aisle near the Soviet-era deli counter…

“Junior?”

A pizza appeared from some mystery food prep area. 

I stared at the feed pallet beside me, trying not to feel foreign. That was when I spotted the goat chow. The side of the bag was torn open, as if someone wanted a free sample…

“Here’s your salad.”

She handed me a stapled brown paper bag containing a hidden plastic container. 

I took it to the cashier’s counter, paid for it, and found my car. 

Several miles down the road, free from staring eyes, I found a safe gravel road turn off, pulled in, then opened my bag. The plastic container revealed a huge rabbit-food-like pile of torn iceberg lettuce, so large it sprung out onto the floor. 

With my fork I dug down into the pile, until I discovered a thin layer of tomato pieces, green pepper pieces, strips of onion, and enough banana peppers to fill a small bottle. Nothing else. 

I scouped up the lettuce on the floor hunting for my dressing. It is no wonder I didn’t find it. Because when I did, I nearly spilled the rest of my salad.

It lay on the floor, having rolled out of the paper bag. It looked like a free drink. But inside the large cup, it was all ranch dressing. Enough to paint a fence… 

After spilling enough salad and dressing to feed a small child, I ate the rest of  the contents within the container…

Then I drove through the country over a one lane gravel road to a nature preserve.

Into a thinned hemlock and hardwood forest, I hiked, until the stream below me dropped several feet….and I saw this-

Image

and walking closer…

Image

…finding a waterfall…far from Junior, goat feed, and the Ranch Dressing Lady…

 Image

 …where I listened to the symphonic music of God’s natural wonders…in peace…

 

 

 

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About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur- this side of Tir Na N'Og- living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley, store-made soda bread resembles an inedible Irish megalith, and Kerrygold is only found hidden like a luck penny in the belly of Kroger. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, talesinastrangerstrangerland@wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple@wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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3 Responses to The Lost Kerryman in the Land of Ranch Dressing

  1. Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
    NOW…THAT WATER FALL WAS WORTH SOME PIZZA HUT-LIKE INDIGESTION, WASN’T IT??????

  2. Java Girl says:

    Wow. I love waterfalls. Reminds me of the ones down in the jungles of Brazil. 🙂

  3. Kirsten says:

    Beautiful waterfall. So glad, you only ate what was left in the container. I thought you might go for the 5 minute rule 🙂

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