Wanted: Dangerous Animal Inspector

if you look hard enough, there are some really wonderful jobs out there. nothing says “excitement” like spending a day collecting irish moss by the seashore, counting garbage trucks as they enter the dump, or boxing up tampons in a tampon factory. i would know about the latter, and no, it still wasn’t the weirdest thing i have ever done for a paycheck.

imagine my excitement when i came “home”…to my college-age household…from the toilet paper factory/distribution center to announce:

Me: “Dude! Guess what?

Ron Guy: “What?

Me: “i got to box tampons today!”

Ron Guy: “So…I got to load trucks today.”

Me: “Gnarly. Dude. Still, my job was waaayyy better than yours, man. I packed tampons with some cute Colombian chicks. Yeah, we packed discount store ones…rejects…they didn’t put any spray on them.”

Ron Guy: “Interesting.”.

It was even more interesting, a year later, as a newlywed…when i discovered on one of our romantic trips to Odd Lots (now mainly Big Lots Discount Stores), a whole display of the same tampons i packed..

Me: “Honey, look!”

My Wife: “What is it.”

Me: “My tampons!”

My Wife: “Put that down, you’re embarrassing me.”

Me: “But these are the ones i packed! See the label- right there!”

So little work for so much joy….but such a job pales in comparison to some of the most recently posted state jobs i have seen. yes, state jobs. i won’t reveal which state, but let’s just say that each job must include state healthcare and great benefits.

Job # 2334:   State of &%#@@@#  Bed Bug Eradication Program Coordinator

Job # 2335    State of &%#@@@#  Jail Inspector

Job # 2336:  State of &%#@@@#   Dangerous Animal Inspector

Dangerous Animal Inspector? Are we talking investigating llama spitting incidents, attacks by badgers, or “lion that mauled man to death needs inspecting to certify it is dangerous?”

I have to admit- their job description is pitifully bare- one line…one vague line.

So…I am trying to imagine possible interview scenarios. Maybe, like this one…

Me: “Will I be chasing escaped tigers?”

Interviewer: “Yes, well you see, down at the bottom of this document that you must sign…it says ‘the state is not responsible for acts of God’”

Me: “So, you cannot tell me whether or not I will be chasing down escaped zoo tigers?”

Interviewer: “Quite frankly, no. You are more likely to be called upon to inspect private tiger farms or privately-owned ‘pet’ tigers…and any other dangerous animals.”

Me: “like hedgehogs?”

Interviewer: “I don’t believe hedgehogs are classified by the state as ‘dangerous animals.’ Let me check…”

awkward pause.

Interviewer: “No, hedgehogs are not included on the list of dangerous animals to be inspected.”

Me: “They are dangerous. They have quills.”

Interviewer: “There are no job openings for a Hedgehog Inspector. This job number is strictly for inspecting dangerous animals.”

Me: “So, what exactly will I be doing…if I get the job?”

Interviewer: “Inspecting dangerous animals.”

Me: “I see. You cannot tell me any more?”

Interviewer: “Sir, I am a state employee. I am just doing my job.”

Me: “I thought so.”


I guess I won’t be changing my career after all…. 

One response to “Wanted: Dangerous Animal Inspector”

  1. Ha ha! This was even worse than having to hold a hose in a toilet paper factory! I was expecting you to say that the fan caught hold of the end and it blew all over the place, which would have been what Ethel and Lucy would have had happen! Tampons are just a personal care item, no big deal! Smiles, Robin

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