if you look hard enough, there are some really wonderful jobs out there. nothing says “excitement” like spending a day collecting irish moss by the seashore, counting garbage trucks as they enter the dump, or boxing up tampons in a tampon factory. i would know about the latter, and no, it still wasn’t the weirdest thing i have ever done for a paycheck.
imagine my excitement when i came “home”…to my college-age household…from the toilet paper factory/distribution center to announce:
Me: “Dude! Guess what?
Ron Guy: “What?
Me: “i got to box tampons today!”
Ron Guy: “So…I got to load trucks today.”
Me: “Gnarly. Dude. Still, my job was waaayyy better than yours, man. I packed tampons with some cute Colombian chicks. Yeah, we packed discount store ones…rejects…they didn’t put any spray on them.”
Ron Guy: “Interesting.”.
It was even more interesting, a year later, as a newlywed…when i discovered on one of our romantic trips to Odd Lots (now mainly Big Lots Discount Stores), a whole display of the same tampons i packed..
Me: “Honey, look!”
My Wife: “What is it.”
Me: “My tampons!”
My Wife: “Put that down, you’re embarrassing me.”
Me: “But these are the ones i packed! See the label- right there!”
So little work for so much joy….but such a job pales in comparison to some of the most recently posted state jobs i have seen. yes, state jobs. i won’t reveal which state, but let’s just say that each job must include state healthcare and great benefits.
Job # 2334: State of &%#@@@# Bed Bug Eradication Program Coordinator
Job # 2335 State of &%#@@@# Jail Inspector
Job # 2336: State of &%#@@@# Dangerous Animal Inspector
Dangerous Animal Inspector? Are we talking investigating llama spitting incidents, attacks by badgers, or “lion that mauled man to death needs inspecting to certify it is dangerous?”
I have to admit- their job description is pitifully bare- one line…one vague line.
So…I am trying to imagine possible interview scenarios. Maybe, like this one…
Me: “Will I be chasing escaped tigers?”
Interviewer: “Yes, well you see, down at the bottom of this document that you must sign…it says ‘the state is not responsible for acts of God'”
Me: “So, you cannot tell me whether or not I will be chasing down escaped zoo tigers?”
Interviewer: “Quite frankly, no. You are more likely to be called upon to inspect private tiger farms or privately-owned ‘pet’ tigers…and any other dangerous animals.”
Me: “like hedgehogs?”
Interviewer: “I don’t believe hedgehogs are classified by the state as ‘dangerous animals.’ Let me check…”
Interviewer: “No, hedgehogs are not included on the list of dangerous animals to be inspected.”
Me: “They are dangerous. They have quills.”
Interviewer: “There are no job openings for a Hedgehog Inspector. This job number is strictly for inspecting dangerous animals.”
Me: “So, what exactly will I be doing…if I get the job?”
Interviewer: “Inspecting dangerous animals.”
Me: “I see. You cannot tell me any more?”
Interviewer: “Sir, I am a state employee. I am just doing my job.”
Me: “I thought so.”
I guess I won’t be changing my career after all….