Mister Congeniality


i have never won an award for candor, comedy, or confusion…but i am sure that my followers might consider me for a “Mister Congeniality” award. Or, maybe not. 

You see, trying to live a life as a disciple of Jesus sometimes ruffles feathers, steps on toes, and irritates people. But, to be fair, I have had my share of pains in the rectal sphere of influence over the course of my life. It has been a rough ride at times, and God has always seen me through or even allowed me to rise above the blazing saddle.

And like a whole lot of other authors on wordpress, I have plenty I could complain about…starting with that lack of a female companion…due to the stupidity of certain members of the opposite gender who will remain nameless, and who, like Mrs Boring, have probably crapped their collective pants over their incredibly obtusely proportioned decision-making skills.  But, I will not dwell in the dungeons of despair. No, I will not sink to the depths of depression. 

No, I have not suffered such terrible troubles that my life is a collected book of woe, a compendium of compromise, or a trilogy of tragedy. In this blessed and wonderful life of mine, I have not ever….

(1) Fallen off a log, hitting my head and forgetting my name…then returning to Salem, looking like another guy and falling in love with the woman my alter ego was married to before I hit my head and forgot everything…and then became a state department spokesman…

(2) Electrocuted my private part “palace” while trying to fix my acid-filled battery because my car stopped in the middle of a turn only lane…

(3) Exploded in spontaneous combustion after ingesting 1,000 tablets of cinnamonn bark extract tablets because they may lower my blood sugar 15%. (But did you know you can save 15% on your car insurance by marrying the GEICO CEO’s daughter?)

(4) Lost consciousness when a 20 ton stack of Jack Links Beef Jerky fell on my head while searching for a missing “teenage stock boy” in the WalMart storage labyrinth (complete with rows of Mogen David wines and the most revolting Sherry and cologne-like Brandy ever to don the shelves of any grocery facility….or, as Alex Trebek might say “What is Catholic Purgatory?”)

(5) Had my fingers eaten by a frothing, two-fanged dog while being chased by a flock of rebellious Amish goats down a one lane mud track beyond a sign painted with the words “Welcome to the Eli E.Y.B.Z Yoder’s”

(6) Been chased by a one-toothed hag around the outside of a 24 X 200 barn, while holding a clipboard and a measuring wheel. 

(7) Sat my buttocks down on a pile of freshly chewed gum because the sign said…

IMG_1523

No, lads and lassies…thankfully, I have been spared such audacious trauma… 

 

 

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About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, entrepreneur, and disciple- this side of Tir Na N'Og- living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley, store-made soda bread resembles an inedible Irish megalith, and Kerrygold is only found hidden like a luck penny in the belly of Kroger. This blog is an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of my posts, thelostkerryman.wordpress.com, everydayasadisciple.wordpress.com, and mrandmrsboring.wordpress.com are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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