it is 3 in the morning and i have lost my pants…

there are few things as refreshing as sitting down in the middle of the night and randomly adding thoughts to page, even after flipping like a fish inside the mattress-womb for what feels like eons.

except…when you wake up to find that you have lost your pants. my pants! they have literally escaped from my room. they are not on my floor. they are not in my drawer. they are not in my care. they are not any where!

at which point, having lapsed into a tilted worldview, neck threatening to collapse to gravitational pull…I bang my head on the table and wake again.

such are the pleasures of life for the single man, who lives alone in a…11th century …restroom?  a place I want to  get some rest. somewhere that does not smell bad, and has a bed that does not feel like it was made by sadistic clowns attempting to create the world’s most undesirable mattress. like Mattress Unbearable.

I would rather swim on an  ocean of waterbed than stiffen up like a bag of bones. so why the obsession with firm mattresses? what kind of a lunatic would actually design such an item? do they not know that there are millions….maybe, even, billions…aching for a good night’s rest?  aching so much they get up in the middle of the night in an attempt to re-enact “Night of  the Living Bladder” and find massive pain cutting through the back like a steak knife cutting through a juicy sirloin? aching so much they LONG for a good night’s rest more than swimming in the arms of…

and would walk around naked to the world without thinking because they are in such a state as to forget why in the world they are up at 3 AM?

So, without further doo doo, I declare war on the Mattress World.

There, i said it. Now I  can go back to sleep, wake up in the morning, and march on the Mattress Store….and feel grand because I contributed to the betterment of all mankind (and maybe even womankind). I just hope I remember where all my underwear went.






About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from,,, and are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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1 Response to it is 3 in the morning and i have lost my pants…

  1. smilingtoad says:

    Well, I can certainly relate to the mentality of this post- and I do not envy your mattress-shopping endeavour.

    I take “firm” to an extreme- I sleep on a thin strip of taut canvas- army cot. If I had my way, though, I would snooze on a slab of stone. The rabbits are currently trying to chew through the cot- not a difficult task. They bounce on my face in the middle of the night, too.

    So it goes…


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