can i get a choir of non-angelic creatures to sing a chorus celebrating the coming demise of 2020? one more year of this kind of senseless torture…that i cannot imagine. can we just round up the bad actors and send them all to the Romulan Neutral Zone now…
next year, we should just skip January. I mean, who would notice? nobody makes any money in January anyway, unless they are running a ski resort…so why not start with February?
we could start the whole year on Valentine’s Day. Does anybody even remember the first part of February? Most of the time in my neck of the woods, our necks are frozen solid from January 1st to February 13th. We simply cannot move them. When my truck skids on a hockey-rink-thick slick of ice, i simply cannot, will not, turn my neck to see my progress. if I am in a snow bank, that’s grand too because i can always build an igloo…without turning my head. who cares what happens on ice? we have better things to do….like wait for Valentine’s Day.
Then, we could have a Chocolate Friday the weekend after Valentine’s Day. The following Monday could be Reese’s Monday, because…nothing goes better with old melted-down chocolate than peanut butter. With such a kickstart of love, we should be ready to rocket into the “New Year.”
There is precedence for this. Somewhere in the middle of the deep dark Middle Ages, the pope changed the calendar, and gave everyone a jumpstart into the year. Skipping January and part of February would likewise give us an excuse to forget about the plague of insanity birthed in 2020, so we could go back to living Our Best Medieval Life….I mean Our Best Life Now.
But….in order for this to work…we must be in this together. No one can get out of bed in January and early February…except to gorge themselves on ramen noodles to prepare for more hibernation, after “releasing the kraken” to the white porcelain goddess. Since a huge swath of the first world (and the darkest 3rd world) will have endured endless days wearing face masks, no one will be able to smell us until we are released from our quarantine cocoons as dawn arises on Valentine’s Day.
This will also ensure that faithful men everywhere will shower or bathe prior to enjoying the company of their women, as the great New New Year’s Day begins with celebrations of roses, chocolates, and other sweet aromas.
I cannot think of a more appropriate way to say goodbye and good riddance to one of the worst years in the history of the world…