I am Five Years Old!

My Blog Speaks, on His 5th Birthday…

“Momma says I am a Big Boy now and I should go clean my room. It is my birthday. I am five years old.  I don’t want to clean my room. If I clean my room I won’t be able to find my toys. Momma says I can have cake- if I clean my room. Will you clean my room?”

But seriously folks…

If my blog  was a child, he would be a rather precocious five year old. Today is his birthday, so it is a really, really special day for him. It is one of the days you might even remember when you are 86 years old and all you can remember about being five is your kitty cat birthday cake with the gum drop eyes, nose, and mouth. But blogs are not people…you have to re-post, quote, feature, or summarize a post to bring back a blog memory.

Some of your favorite posts (apart from Google’s obsession with Mister Fritter) came when I was living deep in the mountains, and had serious snow days to compose posts at odd hours like 11:30PM or 2 AM when I could not sleep because the wind was howling outside the windows and doors of my little house…and no one would be at work in the morning because no one was going anywhere in 6…to…36 inches of snow.

It was a particularly healing time for me in my life, even though I was isolated, and quite possibly because I was so isolated. Pouring out thoughts a few fingers at a time, at all hours of the day and night, can be refreshing to the spirit.

It began with a memory I had of climbing one of Ireland’s highest mountains in County Kerry with my cousins…ending with our Cork cousin leading the party out of a fog so thick I felt blinded and therefore lost…but the Corkman did not lead us astray, and we were back in a pub later, me at the crisps, and the other lads at the beer…but a rather humorous journey because we had been humoring him about the possibility of the white mist coming down and how he’d be lost and everything…and sure, we’d lead him out of there all right…

and so The Lost Kerryman (at wordpress) was born. and I determined to bring to it a bit of that same humor that has prevailed in my family.  along the way, I discovered some special friends on wordpress, kindred spirits, most of whom have gone on to another  plane of communication that does not include wordpress.

To them, and to you, my dear reader, I do appreciate your interest.

For those who have stuck by all these years, thank you. Some of you have inspired me to write similar posts, to explore similar subjects, or to boldly go where no blogger has gone before.

For those of you who have not known me, nor my blog, since I began….I thank you, and I ask you to share with me your thoughts about posts or the blog itself.

Looking forward to the next five years…

 

 

 

 

Pardon my astonishment

As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.

                Proverbs 26:11

pardon my astonishment, but it never ceases to amaze me…when a woman I have known well…who, in her flowering youth, speaks boldly about what she will do in the world….seeking to escape the degradation she has endured….begins her post-adolescence running from job to job, and man to man, burning through them like fire through grass and leaves….like a fireball…destroying lives and the hopes and goals of others…until sometime after menopause, crash landing a few blocks away from where she started, a reflective lesson of a life wasted on selfish ambitions, only to collapse into a state of uselessness.

no woman…nor man…should land in middle age like that. if, after 50 years, you have no legacy of love that lasts, that changes lives for the better, that reflects your creator…what in the world is your purpose in life? i am appalled at how many people i meet…who could care less what happens to their children, their wives, or their husbands…who, in their selfishness see only their own flippant desires- which sometimes are the opposite of love, hope, and peace- as their gods, their reasons for existence.

you were not created to wallow in stupidity, nor to throw sense to the wind and live with no focus on what life is all about. Nor were you meant to love half-heartedly, wounding lives in the process, while claiming that you are the one having been injured. To live in such selfishness is to live like a dog who returns to his vomit…it lacks all reasonable sense.

I am not God, so I do not know if there is any more hope for her. I pray there is. But, it does appear that there comes a time when a selfish person is given over to what will destroy them, because their minds have been so warped that they literally rage against God. 

So, while there is still daylight in this world, pray for….and confront those…headed down the road to destruction, that somehow they will come to their senses before it is too late. 

 

 

 

Mister Congeniality

i have never won an award for candor, comedy, or confusion…but i am sure that my followers might consider me for a “Mister Congeniality” award. Or, maybe not. 

You see, trying to live a life as a disciple of Jesus sometimes ruffles feathers, steps on toes, and irritates people. But, to be fair, I have had my share of pains in the rectal sphere of influence over the course of my life. It has been a rough ride at times, and God has always seen me through or even allowed me to rise above the blazing saddle.

And like a whole lot of other authors on wordpress, I have plenty I could complain about…starting with that lack of a female companion…due to the stupidity of certain members of the opposite gender who will remain nameless, and who, like Mrs Boring, have probably crapped their collective pants over their incredibly obtusely proportioned decision-making skills.  But, I will not dwell in the dungeons of despair. No, I will not sink to the depths of depression. 

No, I have not suffered such terrible troubles that my life is a collected book of woe, a compendium of compromise, or a trilogy of tragedy. In this blessed and wonderful life of mine, I have not ever….

(1) Fallen off a log, hitting my head and forgetting my name…then returning to Salem, looking like another guy and falling in love with the woman my alter ego was married to before I hit my head and forgot everything…and then became a state department spokesman…

(2) Electrocuted my private part “palace” while trying to fix my acid-filled battery because my car stopped in the middle of a turn only lane…

(3) Exploded in spontaneous combustion after ingesting 1,000 tablets of cinnamonn bark extract tablets because they may lower my blood sugar 15%. (But did you know you can save 15% on your car insurance by marrying the GEICO CEO’s daughter?)

(4) Lost consciousness when a 20 ton stack of Jack Links Beef Jerky fell on my head while searching for a missing “teenage stock boy” in the WalMart storage labyrinth (complete with rows of Mogen David wines and the most revolting Sherry and cologne-like Brandy ever to don the shelves of any grocery facility….or, as Alex Trebek might say “What is Catholic Purgatory?”)

(5) Had my fingers eaten by a frothing, two-fanged dog while being chased by a flock of rebellious Amish goats down a one lane mud track beyond a sign painted with the words “Welcome to the Eli E.Y.B.Z Yoder’s”

(6) Been chased by a one-toothed hag around the outside of a 24 X 200 barn, while holding a clipboard and a measuring wheel. 

(7) Sat my buttocks down on a pile of freshly chewed gum because the sign said…

No, lads and lassies…thankfully, I have been spared such audacious trauma… 

 

 

reading wordpress posts

anahs hetr diio iller ennnt go leir bes agamalgamamalgarden juvenisilk zemensky

 

 

waywam kilvarny effaljucin galarnee

 

DO NOT LIKE THIS POST. INSTEAD, WRITE A ONE WORD COMMENT AGREEING WITH ME.

if you liked this, it is proof you did not read it.

LET’S ALL START READING POSTS INSTEAD OF JUST LIKING EVERYTHING. No author wants to be ignored. Just sayin…

101 New Blogging Challenges

As you may know, the blog life here at wordpress has produced many serial postings. These include a 30 day poetry challenge, 100 Happy Days challenge, thankful day challenge, as well as “bucket lists” and “top ten lists.”

In recognition of these many new “serial” blogging challenges, I have decided to use my slightly sleepy brain to  create aseries of exceptional new blogging serial challenges.

But first, please read my disclosure statement:

Terms and Conditions: I, the reader, do now and forever afterward, deny to hold thelostkerryman liable, to any and all misfortunes that should occur from now until infinity, incurred from the reading of this post. I do not now, nor ever will, hold the said party responsible for dribbling urine, uncontrollable laughter, or projectile vomiting incurred while reading this post. I further admit that no idea, either implicit or non-implicit, shall construe an acceptance of certain politically incorrect narrative, dialogue, prose, or verse inflicted upon the reader from the said party, whether implied by the context or implied from ethnologically based word choice. By agreeing to the terms and conditions, I agree to accept or reject the contents of this post, but agree to limit my responses to English, Irish, French, Cherokee, Hittite, Neo-Hittite, Klingon, or Leichtensteinian dialects, providing adequate translations in standard globally recognized English. By clicking on these terms and conditions, I waive my right to be serious when reading the contents of this post. I also waive the right to be considered as a future matrimonial prospect of the nineteenth Baron of Castlemaine, but agree to consider his Irish cousin in America with considerable romantic interest if asked. I agree by clicking….here.

The Lost Kerryman, in conjunction with Thermos-Cup Films, is proud to present…

101 New Serial-Related Blogging Challenges and Lists for the Mentally Stable…I think….

 

1.   100 Bad Date Experience Poems

2.    30 Day Fast From Men Journal

3.     100 Days of posting sad episodes in my life, complete with teenage angst

4.     The Gallstone Celebration Journal: 14 Days Of Extreme Hellacious Pain

5.     30 day Relationship Challenge: date a Woman/man from every continent (Skype Antarctic date counts)

6.     Kiss A Complete Stranger Every Day For 30 Days Experience Challenge (with accompanying photos as evidence)

7.     The 20 Day Bathtub Poetry Writing Challenge

8.     Snapchat in A Tub With Famous Cardboard Cut-Outs: A 30 Day Photo Journey

9.     Diary of An Unhappy Frog: A Self Reflection for the Rejected Princess (ages 10 to 50)

10.   100 Stimulating Video games For Your Pomeranian

12.    The Tides of March: A Thirty Day Iron Man Laundry Challenge (Man versus Mud, Oil, Grease, Blood, and other impossible stains. No stained photos)

13.     A Waffle A Day Keeps The Doctor Away 30 Day Diet Journal (must include one non- Taco Bell waffle breakfast wrap)

14.   The Bladder Infection Journal, (commencing with onset, through the duration of medicinal treatment) complete with Physician’s desk reference notes, wonderful flip chart graphics and side notes, including supporting material from the International Gastrointestinal Disease Conference for 2014.

15.  30 Days Running in a Kilt Challenge (of course, complete with pictures of a kilted lad running to get on the bus, running in the supermarket, running from hairy cows, running past the boss at the office…etc)

16.  Adventures with Bananas: A 20 Day Challenge (take a photo of you with a complete stranger in the picture holding a banana while working…at McDonalds, on the construction site, drinking tea, guarding the queen…)

17.    30 Peaks in 30 Days Challenge. Post an entry everyday on a different peak over 3,000 feet. Great backpacking challenge!)

18.  30 Selected Blog Entries Celebrating “The Wonders of Menopause”

 

Do you have any ideas for a great blog challenge, list, or serial post?

a thank you to all my readers

it was nice to see recent visits to thelostkerryman from a wide variety of places…like Oman, Sweden, Ukraine, Mongolia, Belarus, Finland, and Norway. it is amazing that in some way, my writing can touch someone so far away…

but i want to take the time to thank all of my readers, those who have been faithful, and those who are new to thelostkerryman. i am not the star here on wordpress, but i have the heart of a writer. it does make me happy to pour out a new piece, no matter how sober, silly, or unique it may be. as you may have learned, i am a serious/giddy writer with eccentric tastes- for some of you they are- but really simply a loving heart beneath it all.

wordpress is indeed a godsend; i am grateful that those who manage the system have been able to do a fine job- most of the time- despite an explosion in blogging, and an unusual clientele.

may all the blessings of God be with you…

Slan go foill- so long for now

it’s a mad world after all

if i had three personalities, i might resemble Blogland. Tantrums from hell, mega-selfie posts, mentally and emotionally compromised confessions, and even goats on parade…they are all here. 

i took a turn, took a spin, found myself driving…oh so carefully…through fields of mental mines from “life,” “religion,” and all sorts of other previously unexplored venues, to find that the world is indeed in trouble. but not from the Russians, neo-Nazis, terrorists, or clandestine shadow governments. No, the world is in trouble because of selfishness, wickedness, and mental pollution- (in other words- sin, deception, and self-deception…and, of course, sin)

truly, although i do like to analyze single issues, the reality of the multitudinality of personal problems here in blogland makes me wonder how many white coated shrinks the world may need on a never-ending contingency basis. i read one post that sounded like a couch confession, complete with overtures of “people please analyze me, i am sick.” i read another that was the most self-centered piece I have ever read, and that includes the story of Narcissus. One twenty-something moaned about a lack of sex for a week, but then expressed a hatred of honesty in relationships. And it goes on and on, like a really bad informercial marathon.   

when i went to “Christianity,” i found so many posts that had nothing to do with Christianity at all. It appears some people must think we are stupid, or may just be stupid themselves, to post a Hindu blog or yoga piece on “Christianity.” It is like anaylzing condiment bottles when asked to choose an apartment to rent. Or, taking an electric blanket out on a hot date. (ok, i couldn’t resist the humor). in short- or long, bloggers who do such things make themselves look stupid…and none of us want to look stupid…right? Right? 

perhaps it is just a sign that tripolar is becoming the norm, now that bipolar is very too trendy (like when every doctor that didn’t know what was wrong with you diagnosed you with…fibromyalgia…the late 20th century/early 21st century answer to everybody’s favorite disease…consumption) Or, is it that so many people are living webdream lifestyles, caught in a self-centered fantasy world encouraged by the “like” button? I wonder…

can i have a piece of your mind? oh, not a large slice, just a thought…and please no gray matter on the keyboard…thank you.

Thanks to all my readers from Belize to the farthest ends of the earth

after 227 posts, i want to thank all of you for visiting my site, reading, and commenting. today i had a visit from one in the lovely nation of Belize, a jewel nestled in between Mexico, Guatemala, and the Carribean. years ago I visited this hot, colorful nation with a group of other students from Ohio, just after Belize became independent. I have fond memories of Belize, and fonder memories of one from Belize- one I lost contact with several years ago from the town of Corozal…one I would really like to find again…but I digress…

But there are more wonderful places throughout the world, and I am happy to know that my writing is appreciated in Nigeria, Malta, Ecuador, Mongolia, and more. I expected the Irish and the Canadians, and an occasional visitor from  Scotland- since I do appreciate a good haggis…no, strike that, a good hugging…especially from a lassie with fine curly red hair…or with any hair for that matter…

It is my hope that we all can share the great gifts God has given us- both in our  writing and in our cultures. I would love to see some Mongolian recipes, talk bread rolls with a Lisbon baker, and find out how to skin an iguana before making a meal…

…sharing the wealth of the world between colleagues…one post, one comment, at a time…

Slan go foill…

Hilariously Funny: 2013

Since it seems like everybody from Boston to Port Moresby is reviewing their favorite posts, reflecting back on the year, or just trying to get their audience to understand them better, I have decided to do something I have never done. This post will highlight my favorite humorous posts from the first 215.

 The first ten are from 2013. In no particular order, they are:

1. A Love Letter To The IRS

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/a-love-letter-to-the-irs

2. Love is Like A Chocolate Cake

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/11/10/love-is-like-a-chocolate-cake

3. 101 Things To Do With A Handful Of Hummus

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/101-things-to-do-with-a-handful-of-hummus

4. My Lugubrious Peasant Life

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/03/08/my-lugubrious-peasant-life

5. My Dog Can Read, Why Can’t Yours?

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/01/31/my-dog-can-read-why-cant-yours

6. Gravity Is For The Birds

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/10/29/gravity-is-for-the-birds

7. The Society for the prevention of hostility toward unabridged dictionaries

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/the-society-for-the-prevention-of-hostility-toward-unabridged-dictionaries

8. How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Glaze

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/08/05/how-do-i-love-thee-let-me-count-the-glaze

9. Things That Did Not Happen This Year

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/12/27/things-that-did-not-happen-this-year

10. Polymers Are Our Friends, Polymers Make us Happy

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2013/02/18/polymers-are-our-friends-polymers-make-us-happy

and since I did not do this for 2012- when I could laugh more…here are 12 beauties sure to get a giggle, a gaggle, or at least a gander:

1. 18 Hot Dogs, 3 Pounds of Gummi Bears, 78 Plastic Letters…

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/09/24/18-Hot-Dogs-3-Pounds-of-Gummi-Bears-78-Plastic-Letters-and-a-Porcelin-Potty

2. Short, Tan and Teddy

http://thelostkrryman.wordpress.com/2012/05/27/Short-tan-and-teddy-not-tall-dark-and-handsome

3. Stay Away from The Monkey!

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/06/07/Stay-Away-From-The-Monkey

4. This Too Shall Pass

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/03/12/This=too-shall-pass-an-Ode-to-a-Kidney-Stone

5. The First time

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/07/22/The-first-time

6. Dancing With Rhinos

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/03/29/Dancing-with-Rhinos

7. It’s April, but it’s frigid somewhere

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/04/21/Its-April-but-its-frigid-somewhere

8. You have Hairy Legs…You Must Come Along With Me!

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/You-have-Hairy-Legs-You-Must-Come-Away-With-Me

9. A Marker, A Crayon, and A tax Form

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/04/09/A-marker-a-crayon-and-a-tax-form

10. The Perils of Making Chicken Soup

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/The-Perils-of-making-Chicken-Soup

11. Wanna you like?

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/10/03/Wanna-you-like

12. the trouble with bacon

https://thelostkerryman.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/the-trouble-with-bacon

“The 200,” or “Your favorite posts from thelostkerryman”

This is my 200th blog post on the lostkerryman. It is certainly not my last, and I suspect that you and I will have much to say to each other over the course of the next few years. Without you, my audience, I am the sound of one step creaking in an empty house- one chickadee flying alone in a windstorm- one spark plug discarded along the road side.

Perhaps it is time for a little reflection. I was musing over my top twelve favorite posts, and quite frankly, as an author, I am entirely too biased- they’re all great (after all, I deleted the idiotic ones). That is why I am inviting every reader to travel back in time as you have read my posts and nominate your favorites. I will consider reposting the most requested one or two. Please participate. I look forward to your insightful comments…

Anybody actually reading this?