dreams of love

she’s a bit stiff around the edges….a bit pale, pasty, and tender…but I love her. her aroma sets her apart from the others. when I walk by, I cannot but stop and stare. she’s a looker, that’s for sure.

sure, she’s had her ups and downs. some says she’s a bit twisted. but I like her that way. she’s genuine, never pretentious.

I met her in a restaurant. I sat down, she sat down. we became acquainted. she was so inviting, I could not resist.

maybe I should not have invited her to sit at the table. maybe I should have behaved. but life is short, and sometimes you can miss love as it passes by. 

but now I dream of her in the night, and sometimes, I can feel myself smiling at the thought…the two of us together again…until I wake up and realize she is gone forever…

 

 

Pleasantries and Pungentries

if you happen to drive on Pleasantville Road, you’ll find it is pleasantly straight. in my youth, such straightness would be appalling. Now, it is glorious. Akin to driverless transportation…pointing the car in one direction and dreaming through the next fifteen minutes…it is the future of vehicle travel- driving with the subconscious.

But Pleasant Corners Road is not so pleasant. Drive fast for a mile, then hit the brakes and swing 90 degrees to the right. Foot to the pedal and before you can count to three…swing 90 degrees left. Drive north. Straight north. But if you go far enough, you will smell the pungentries.

Maybe it seeps through the doors…I don’t know…but the smell could kill you. it is like inhaling Jalfrezi sauce at 90 miles an hour…except more pungent. As in cloves, cardamom, curry, and spices your mother never warned you about. If you are a curry virgin, beware, because you’ll never be the same again.

life changing, stimulating. pungent.

Not like a locker room full of 13 year old boys without deodorant. More like sitting on a sandy beach snoozing in the summer sun while a strange but unmistakably tantalizingly enrapturing aroma…so pleasant, it is like your first tasty kiss, your first successful romantic meal, your first turn at the wheel driving a super-fast speedboat…inhaling a fragrance, a dream. You want more. You suck in the breeze, becoming delirious with happiness…

…or at least, becoming enthralled that you just spent $7.99 on an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet the size of a pre-hibernation dinner. and it is in that moment that you realize that….all the pleasantries in the world cannot replace the pungent joys in the world.

am I hungry?

sure…

but sad. it is sunday night. and the buffet does not open on Mondays…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

who else?

who else out there loves After Valentine’s Day Sales? is there any other time when delicious chocolates, wrapped in pretty red and pink, offer such a tempting winter feast?

I think not.

consider how regulated exquisite chocolate merchandise is during normal days of the year. it is a rare beauty to see such finery as a sumptuous Bailey’s or a sexy Godiva at half price, let alone a rare cardiac-red arrangement of white chocolate raspberry drops.

no, you are more likely to see a shelf filled with wrapping as exciting as Honey Boo Boo reruns…tasteless fat-inducing globs for the peasant masses.

so not appearing in my house.

nor any sequels thereof.

so, bring on the 50% off…the aisle of delight…for we lone souls who suffered another lonely Valentine’s Day all ALONE AGAIN….pining for the After Valentine’s Day Specials.

 

 

 

 

Donut Love, Not Drama

The “Capital Rotunda” is not a very nice sounding name, and, I believe, should be changed to something less inflammatory, like The “Round-looking Room.” I mean, “rotunda,” sounds so prejudiced, like you are tearing down their self-esteem. It makes me embarrassed for the capital building. And we just don’t need that kind of anti-extra large verbage anymore.

I thought we grew up waaayy more than that. I mean, look, it’s the twenty first century. We have robot love, tolerance for little people, and rights for canines.

If you cannot be more tolerant, you should just go off to Greenland or somewheres. Leave us tolerant people alone. We have issues to champion and have no time for petty little arguments over what is right and what is wrong. I mean, you’d think we actually had to think about life for an hour or two instead of playing games until 3 am like most normal people.

So, when your loser friend came by and told me that I looked like some kind of Pillsbury DoughGirl, I was offended. First, it was clearly retro of you, and so retro I cannot deal with it. Yeeaaah. So, why don’t you retro someone else with your drama? And, by the way, if I want to take selifes with my cream cheese sandwich and post them to instagram, I have every right to make myself look like a creep. Anyone can do that, We have freedom of speech. 

Second, and this makes me the maddest, why a DoughGirl? What is a DougGirl? Like anyone uses Pillsbury anymore. Haven’t you ever heard of Krispy Kreme? They are the double latte of the donut world! They deserve your respect. I mean, if you do want to diss me, why don’t you call me “Krispy Kreme,” or “Crueller?” That’s what I eat, not this Pillsbury whatever. what is a “Pillsbury Doughboy” anyway? is it something from Tim Horton’s? Cause I don’t speak Canadian.

You have a problem with that? I bet you and your friends eat dog poop donuts, like those Bunny Bread bakery things that taste like they’re a hundred years old. Yeeaaah.

So, why don’t you just back off on my blog, girls, and take your doritos and guacamole and go back to middle school where you belong because I am what I am and if I want to wear a XXXXXL and stuff my face with creme filled, then you will just have to visit me when they put me inside that piano box on the last day. Cause I’m an American and I will eat whatever I want. And I like the taste of Red Dye Number 40 and Blue Lake # 2. So, if I wanna eat High Fructose Corn Syrup cause I don’t want to chew that sawdust crap they call “Whole Wheat,” then why can’t I? It’s a free world. You can’t make me eat something called Whole wheat. Or vegetables and fruit. Who eats that crap anyway?

Besides, the doctor is stupid. So, I got diabetes from eating too many donuts and white rice. White rice? Is he racist or something? the high fructose corn syrup is rotting my brain- that’s what he says. i really don’t believe him, my brain is fine, I can add, subtract, multiply, and divide. I can trig and logorhythm. he’s just prejudiced against people who drive with blurry vision. really, that is so retard.  

a thanksgiving aside- in under 260 words

i am so thankful for turkeys that do not go gobble gobble but who settle inside our tummies, nourishing our innards, so most of it does not travel down that long black…colon.

or semi-colon. for those of you who have had the surgery…or the grammatical equivalent of a partial bowel movement. with or without the painful rush of an oncoming semi.

i am also so thankful that my brother, the closet chef, made noodles with pot liquor…which is, quite frankly, neither smokeable (except at a high temperature in the oven), nor intoxicating, but a wee bit addictive. i am sitting here, stuffed with noodles, garlic mashed potatoes, and the finest irish dressing. simmering in an arran sweater…

i am also thankful that i do not own a dog. not that i do not like dogs- i do like them, but my brother’s dog is a bit like an occupying soldier. Everyone says he doesn’t bite, but when you try to show him affection, he attacks you like you are a big chew toy. and while there is probably somebody out there in the world who wants to be a doggie chew toy, we will not dwell on personality disorders or the like during such a time as Thanksgiving, as it is called here in the “Land of the pseudo-free and the home of the team formerly known as the Braves”

I am also thankful that i can go to sleep tonight not thinking about turkey…or the dog eating the turkey legs…

.

what’s in the pot: chicken soup

every time i go to Ohio, i look for “German” egg noodles. this time i found them at a small local grocery, sitting in stacks of noodle heaven. here, end to end, i found Mrs. Miller’s Amish noodles, Inn Maid Noodles, and the ever-banal No Yolks Noodles (certainly not funny as they have no taste). these are not ramen or yakisoba, these are central-eastern european noodles, the kind that thicken a stroganoff, goulash, or fine chicken soup. it was the latter recipe that drove me to gather up the shavings of gold from the shelves of a store so local that a tall teenage beauty ran over to the cash register to check me out….i mean, check out my items.

and when i got home, i placed the packet of noodles deep within a container for future use…only to pull them out to make a lovely warming chicken soup for lunch….

   

...on a cold wintry snow and ice filled day…

i am sharing this recipe, in hopes you will find it a comforting meal…as comforting as looking in your bowl at the lovely soup and…

finding your sinuses unclogging like a suddenly free toilet jam…uh, i mean, like a suddenly clearing sky…

but i am sure, you must understand…and so i give you, the recipe  to end all recipes. no, i give you, Sinus Drainage Clearing Soup:

You will need:

1. One decent package of German or kluski style egg noodles (medium sized noodles)

2. One container free-range chicken broth, 32 oz/900 grams (just get a big container or at least three cans) 

3. Two cooked chicken thighs or one cooked chicken breast (could be yesterday’s dinner “leftovers”)

4. Two stalks of organic celery, chopped/diced

5. One large organic carrot

6. One complete garlic bulb

7. One handful of curled parsley

8. Fresh thyme, sage, rosemary (to taste)

9. Pepper (ground from peppercorns)

10. Butter (of course)

Pour the contexts of the free range chicken broth into a nice, clean pot. Bring to a boil. Add a handful of noodles per person to the boiling broth. If you have several to feed, just add more broth from another container (this recipe is for two people, or one in my case…since I was mighty hungry!)

Next, cook your noodles for about 10 minutes- with a lid on the pot. After ten minutes, add butter, the chicken meat, celery, and carrot. Peel all of the garlic cloves and add them all (no, this soup is not for eaters of bland food), making sure to cut each in half. Then add your parsley, herbs, and pepper (to taste). Cook on low to medium until the smell drives you to check the pot…that’s when you will know something is done…or, if it feels like your sinuses are doing summersaults inside your head, then you are certainly done.

By the way…this is where I was before I found my noodles…at a scenic spot along the Ohio River. Does it look cold or is it just my sinuses speaking to me again?

slan go foill…

Super Bowl of Chili

millions of people are watching a sporting event in New Jersey while I am cooking…but both of us are hoping for a fine super bowl. The seahawks hope they can fly past the bucking broncos, but i hope to eat a great bowl of chili.

at half time of my game:

so far, my statistics are:

1 Can of Hormel Chili Mix- With Beans (including chilies)

1 Can of No Salt (low salt) diced Tomatoes

2 stalks of celery- sliced into small chucks

ground black pepper to taste

1 tablespoon sage

1 tablespoon garlic powder

i started cooking at about medium heat. then, while it started to bubble a bit, i added a chopped up small sweet onion, 2 tablespoons Kerrygold Butter, a dash of italian seasoning (oregano and basil mainly), and one handful of curly parsley…

and while the seahawks are now ahead of the broncos 15-0, i am waiting for my chili to cool enough to eat. one thing i can do- check on my next project…

...a “brew” of 1/2 of a lemon sliced, a couple of cups of sliced ginger, and two tablespoons of raw honey, mixed in water. i’ll let it sit in the refrigerator for awhile and make a strong wintertime tonic full of vitamin C and good for fending off winter-time illnesses like sore throat, cough, etc. 

my chili is just right now; time to eat! enjoy your evening/night/day…whatever it is where you are…

Slan go foill…

Goodbye Mister Fritter

this clip is from my college days… 

if you’re on a quest for the worst chicken sandwich this side of Sochi, I believe I may have found it for you. I don’t want to give away the exact location, but it is residing…and deteriorating…in that oasis of fine cuisine known as “Ohio.” The said speciman was inedible following a major mastication exercise, which failed to extract a core sample.

The distinction for worst chicken sandwich ever is reserved for the infamous “Mister Fritter,” a now extinct prepared pre-frozen patty that resembled a country fried hockey puck with a sledgehammer-like hint of fish.

Mister Fritter shared the shelf with Mrs Paul’s Fish Sticks. One of my colleagues grabbed the other box to bring home to cook- hence, my introduction to Mister Fritter.

While baking, the fritter emitted an odoriferous fog of stench from the cavern-oven, warning all who gathered their patties to “bite with care.” And that is just what I did while burning the roof of my mouth.

On the second attempt, I discovered a spoiled-fish-like coating with a hint of aluminum pan. After painfully retching…I ordered the items dispersed in the back yard in order to keep the cockroaches, mice, and other vermin away from the house. After several days, they remained untouched by weather or critter; the potent breaded grease pucks remained unchanged.

When the chicken patties refused to deteriorate, we hid them deep within a trash bag and sent them to patty hell, otherwise known as the county dump. If I were a betting man, I would bet that they are still there, years after disposal, unchanged and unfettered. Long live Mister Fritter!

 

 

101 Things To Do With A Handful Of Hummus (Newly expanded version)

For my “newer” readers, this was one of my best humor posts:

 

Spell check doesn’t like it. My daughter doesn’t like it. My mother says it looks like dog food. And I agree. But hummus doesn’t taste like dog food…does it?

My preference is traditional- scooped up with warm, olivy, crunchy pita bread…in fact, my lunch was mighty good!

Not like the commercials I see on TV- they suggest all kinds of uses for hummus as a dip- like using it to dip carrots or chicken planks. Those crazy people on TV use hummus for all kinds of crazy dips. I have never dipped broccoli into a cool pile of hummus, but I am positive it must be a wonderful experience. After all, a handful of hummus can do wonders…just like a handful of duct tape.

101 Things a Handful of Hummus Could Do….:

1. use it for plaster repair  2. mix it with mudding compound for a tasty wall finish  3. create hummus swirls on the ceiling to accentuate the style of your living room or kitchen  4. be the only person on your block to feature a lickable driveway 5. mix it with cement for a cool, tan-grey walkway 6. make your mortar go farther with a little hummus between the bricks when you are building 7. mix it with frosting mix for a truly middle eastern flavored icing 8. drop a handful of hummus in the boy’s room at school and see what happens! 9. Armed Forces: put it on the tips of missiles as you insert them into your missile launchers (finally some weapons with taste) 10. use it as fake dog food  11. or as fake dog vomit 12. lure your dog into the house with a thin line of hummus 13. use it as a cat deterrant (sticky kitty!) 14. pour a handful into yellowjacket holes to deter angry bees 15. hide a dollop around home plate…the other team won’t want to step on the bag (baseball, for all of you in non-baseball playing nations) 16. put it on a Nathan’s Hot Dog as a sauce…if you don’t want it, give it to Joey Chestnut…he’ll eat it 17. or, just give it Joey Chestnut 18. take it to a chicken pull 19. take it to a mule pull 20. take it to a square dance 21. take it to Burger King- stick your current movie-action figure in it to make it resemble quicksand!  22. play hummus toss (slightly more dangerous than midget tossing) 23. lure badgers with it  24. paint a fence with hummus  25. tie it up in a bandana and hurl it at an approaching possum  26. as you near a dead skunk on the road, open the window and drop a handful of hummus on it…to diffuse the smell  27. mix it in your pasta sauce for a truly fascinating taste! 28. bury it in the backyard and have the neighborhood kids play “the hummus games,” complete with huge hunting bows 29. go out into the woods and stick some hummus on a bush and see if the deer/geese/cows/goats will actually eat it  30. mix it with mashed okra, then put it in your homemade shotgun shells- it will be potent enough to kill everyone’s appetite 31. use a thin layer of hummus to get out scratches in CDs  32. dance the night away….in a dress made of hummus and pita 33. put it in with your fish fingers and custard 34. hummus curry sauce- need I say more?  36. mix with mashed potatoes  37. put out a fire with a handful of hummus 38. use it to make Hummus Souffle 39. or, a hummus omlette  40. instead of throwing snowballs, throw hummus balls. 41. line a football field/hurling field with “limed hummus.” 42. dip your beef jerky in hummus 43. put it in christmas cake or mincemeat 44. for a lamb-less stew, insert hummus instead 45. fix your dentures with it (hummus bond) 46. clean oil spills with it 47. mix it with sand for an amazing doggy doo-doo toy 48. cover your jello or other gelatin with it, like icing 49. fill a pool full of handfuls of hummus 50. use a handful as a fake beard…

OK, I came up with 50. Now, I challenge my creative, artistic audience to finish the 101 Things To Do With a Handful of Hummus…

Amarillo Tuesday

In a new twist to substantially increase Post-Thanksgiving Celebration Shopping Events, a group of the 30 largest US retailers have announced the kick-off of “Amarillo Tuesday.” The event, which will coordinate retailer savings with participation in Mexican restaurant promotions, will go national at 4:30PM EST Tuesday.

Richard Los Lobos, a spokesman for the group “The Society for the Promotion of Mexican-American Cuisine” stated that many chain and local restaurants will participate.

“Every retailer displaying an Amarillo Tag Sale Event (or a picture of a Large Yellow Tortilla Chip) will offer a paired dining experience with a locally-owned or chain restaurant selling Mexican food. Shoppers will need only follow posted rules in each store,” Los Lobos said.

When asked if he thought there might be confusion with the retailer’s rules, Los Lobos stated, “We don’t anticipate that. After all, these are Americans, and by and large, they’re a pretty smart group- most of the time.”

But not everyone is so confident. Dale Weinbrenner, a spokesman for The Walnut Grove Retail Association in Walnut Grove, believes US shoppers will be utterly confused.

“In my neck of the woods nobody knows what the (heck) Ammarilla is. If they go shopping, huntin’ for it, who is gonna know where to put it so you can find it? It ain’t like going to ask for a Big Mac or somethin’,” Weinbrenner admitted.

Weinbrenner isn’t alone. A number of retailers in neighboring cities have dropped out of the event, claiming it is racist.

“This here is America. If ya can’t put it in English, ya ought to be deported,” Allie Huck, owner of Nascar Collectibles, argues. “It ain’t right to have these Mexicans comin’ up here and makin’ us eat their food.”

Huck believes retailers should extend the special shopping deals to Saturday, the day after Black Friday, and offer “American” products that day at a 10% discount to all legal citizens. She would call it the “White Trash Weekend Sale.”

“Just bring your birth certificate in, and we’ll give you a 10% discount on anything in the store- even the Richard Petty Collectible Dog Dishes.” Huck announced. “I’ll be doin’ that every Saturday after Thanksgiving for any God-gifted American.”

And she is not alone. Down the road from her, Bob Barnes, manager of the “Get and Gas.” states he will offer a 15% discount to all shoppers wearing a Duck Dynasty Shirt. “It’s American, that’s it,” he stated, when asked why he was joining Huck next year in the White Trash Weekend Spectacular. “Gotta make money some way.”

Barnes, along with Huck and their supporters are already planning an advertising blitz for the event, slated for “Thanksgiving Saturday” next year in the USA. They have enlisted ZZ Top to do a “White Trash Weekend” advertising campaign in 27 cities and towns across the South and Midwest.

“I’m sure we’ll take down that Tuesday thing,” Barnes said, when asked about the new marketing campaigns. “We can’t afford any more changes to the gene pool.”

But while the Amarillio Tuesday event offers a chance for extending cultural awareness, Barnes and Huck, want no part of it. Theirs is an America lost in a relative time warp, perpetuated by shallow television shows and misconceptions about the cultural makeup of the country.  Unfortunately, they are not alone.

They mirror the divisions among an increasingly weary public, one that a recent poll highlighted as being “untrusting” of not just neighbors, but everyone not like them. This is a dangerous time for the USA; if this trend continues, the very social fabric of the nation is at stake. It is as if the once great economic and military power is collapsing in on itself, in fear and mistrust. In this climate, corruption has increased, and class division has substantially widened.

My purpose in writing this “hypothetical news article” is to point out the condition of the country, reflecting on it through the very American “Black Friday/Post Thanksgiving Sales” phenomenon. I welcome your comments, but only if  you have read the entire piece, and understand the biting humor.