I’ll take 100 bayonets, a refrigerator, and an oscillating fan

What can you do with a 100,000 dollar helicopter missing a wing? Or, a Humvee with no engine block? How about 100 Reagan-era bayonets? Apparently, you can use them in a small town police force, even if the only dangerous criminal in town is a seasonal visitor. That’s the beauty of the US Department of Defense downsizing program, an operation that gives millions of dollars of equipment to police departments all across the USA.

Unfortunately, according to recent press investigations, there are very few inspections or audits of police departments getting the materials. Some states have inspectors/auditors in place, however, whole states have had no individual to track these giveaways.

As one who has done farm and forestry inspections to check for adherence to a state government program’s specifications, it is amazing to me that we physically inspected properties to determine the details of farm use per acre while this giveaway program has no reliable record of inspections, nor a posse of inspectors to verify that Sheriff Sam isn’t getting nuclear warheads, hundreds of refrigerators, or thousands of boxes of government-issued gym shorts.

I’m not saying I should be the one inspecting these police departments. That should be someone the government hires who understands the regulations and who has a working knowledge of what police departments actually need. It would also help departments receive valuable materials to fight crime rather than receive more oscillating fans than a WalMart in Texas.

Or, the US government could ship all non-weapons materials to towns  and cities where the government could do what everyone else (in the non-coastal areas) does- have a giant yard sale.

What do you think?

A hero for our times

In a time when government is invading lives, it is better for one man to expose that invasion than for others to suffer injustice and a continuing erosion of human rights. While the world struggles with its own problems, one man, Edward Snowden, has been bold and heroic in revealing the truth about an out-of-control government mirroring images of Orwell’s 1984. All citizens of the Americas and the world should recognize Snowden as a David against a Goliath, pray for his safety and life, and consider him more loyal a servant to his own country than anyone in the corrupted unconstitutionally operated government that seeks his arrest at this very moment.

something smells rotten in dc

I gotta admit, I’m not too worried about it. Oh sure, the US government is culling scads of private information from citizens, including telephone calls, emails, and what I am writing right now. But, hey, in all fairness to our president and our fellow comrades, the lowly government worker (who enjoys modest $4 million dollar parties) has a job that is just no fun without spying on friends, fanatics, and fearful peasants….

Besides, you gotta love them. Anyway, who cares about your rights? I mean, when do you ever exercise them? You don’t…if you go vote what the controlled media tells you to vote, if you believe Big Brother (B.O. for short) every time he speaks, or if you consistently believe everything you hear on the radio or television- especially advertisements (the latter is a little like soaking your head in a flushing toilet-bowl- you feel something kinda swirly and realize you’ve just lost part of your brain cells) No…no…no. That would be too difficult. You might actually have to get up off the sofa and do something. God forbid it interrupts Family Guy, Glee, or the latest version of Xbox.

But some of you- out in the DSA, are not all that happy about B.O. and his Gang of Four (oh, sorry, I forgot what country I was in…for a minute there, I was thinking of communist China) …and his Gang of Thugs. You look around and see a meth-oxycodone-murder-enriched culture spreading out from the cesspools of a dysfunctional society (I need not name names of cities here) and you are alarmed. You have been so alarmed that you have taken measures that no one in their right mind twenty years ago would have dreamed of doing here in the DSA. And, you have been labelled a fanatic…even if you own no gun, know no tea parties (except with the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland), and couldn’t distinguish between a picture of Ted Cruz and Ted Nugent.

It is amazing that anyone can keep up with the scandals coming out of Washington. It reads like an Alex Jones monologue- without the psycotic episodes (oh, I’m sorry- those are psychotic episodes). It’s almost impossible to keep up with it all. That is why I am proposing that someone- not me, I have very little free time- create a website listing every scandal and a brief overview…to keep up with the times… 

A love letter to the IRS

Dear Ms. IRS Employee,

Grazing through the news fodder of another day, I noticed a memo from your supervisor’s office, claiming that your agency may be reading my emails, checking my personal records, and even following my habits. It is with this in mind that I have written to you, in hopes that you will read this and we can be  friends…or maybe something more.

You see, for years I have suspected that you have had some romantic interest in me. Your office has- on occasion- sent copious amounts of correspondence  to remind me of our “on again-off again” relationship in the past. And, while I admit, I was flattered, I never really believed that such an important person could find me so attractive. After all, I usually only file a standard 1040 form.

But then you started paying closer attention to me. You reminded my accountant that the two of us spoke on the phone and that you were desiring a closer, more intimate commitment from me. You said you didn’t want to talk with him anymore. Well, I can read between the lines. You wouldn’t take no for an answer. You wrote to tell me how happy you were, counting the days until I sent you a little gift or a warm little letter. I admit, I blushed, thinking about your warm body up there in that office, lonely for another phone call, or another memo to cross your desk. After all, I know just how lonely it can be stuck in a high rise building, surrounded by paper pushers.

So, I called you again. You asked me about my dog- the invisible one- the people in my family, and my spending habits as a single adult male. I thought you were a bit forward, but now I understand. You wanted some information, something solid to build our relationship.

And that is when I suspected it. You didn’t call, you played hard to get. You didn’t send me a 1040 book. You didn’t send me a Christmas card. you didn’t even give my name to those representatives that used to send me Christmas cards. In short, you made it clear that you were looking at someone else.

But then I heard the news. Then I knew the truth- you haven’t been ignoring me, just following me from afar. It made me so happy to know, you haven’t forgotten me after all. So, I thought I’d drop you a line or two and ask if you wanted to go out for dinner sometime. After all, you probably know a whole lot more about me now and we could really connect now. I am gushing at the seams, just waiting.

Yours, sincerely,

your secret admirer.

My dog can read…why can’t yours?

I love government, sometimes they show us just how intelligent our pets are. I was minding my own business one day, bound for one of the most challenging hiking experiences in northeastern West Virginia, when I came upon this sign with challenging instructions for every type of visitor possible…well, just about.

Following instructions for backpackers, bicyclists, and horse-bound riders, the happy trail sign makers added instructions for the most intelligent creature known to man: your dog. It even concluded with shouting instructions, warning the literate creature to “Leave no trace!” This, as you know, is one command a dog can understand- when depositing a load on the trail, the dog can indeed promptly consume it- also leaving no trace behind.

I am wondering just who did commission this Bush-era sign for the Spring Ridge Trail, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the artist was formerly known as Prince…I mean was formerly a department of education employee. As a devoted American-based educator, I can honestly state that as educators, we are all so thankful that Laura Bush explained to us how all children can learn. And since all children can learn, it is not too far of a stretch to say that all dogs can learn.

Following that premise, the construction of this relic of wisdom commenced with a flourish, as is obvious by the happy font of warning that is leaning forward. With concerted effort and thought, the artist carefully constructed lettering appealing to the eye and every potential reader. It might also be noted that the leaning italic font employed in the warning makes it easier for dogs to read, since they often turn their heads slightly to one side. I used to think this was a sign of stiff neck, however, I now realize it was just a habit dogs follow in order to better read print.

It might also be noted that although this sign in West Virginia addresses dogs, Virginia does not have signs addressing dogs. I can only deduce from this variation that only West Virginia dogs can learn, as in Virginia it is difficult for a dog to learn new tricks. This would explain a lot of things, including why West Virginia has voted more creatively in primary elections than in Virginia…obviously with the help of these literate voting creatures.

This brings up all sorts of issues, ones that congressional staff employees will surely need to study in order to give informed advice to those sage representatives who have no time to do such things. West Virginia congressmen (and congresswomen) will need to propose legislation allocating money for these worthy projects. It is incumbent upon the hard working members to lend their support for these projects to determine the inherent rights of these literate citizens, including their rights to a fair and speedy trail, presumption of innocence, and the right to poop in public. It is imperative that we give these government officials time to investigate, to do ten year follow-up studies of dogs who read trail signs, comparing them in longitudinal studies with their owners. In the long run, we can trot out some statistics that will prove once and for all what these sign makers knew several years ago- dogs really are deep thinkers.

Is there more hot air today than ever before?

What do you think of “global warming?” I agree with it- only on one premise. I have never seen nor heard so much hot air coming from the political forces of the world than today. I have to agree with President of Ireland, Michael D. Higgins, who states that we are in an “intellectual crisis.” If more politicians would keep their mouths closed and actually work for the people…maybe some of us wouldn’t get hot under the collar…

…that is the kind of global warming  I’m talking about.

Now it is your turn. Do you agree with me, or not?