101 Things To Do With A Handful Of Hummus (Newly expanded version)

For my “newer” readers, this was one of my best humor posts:

 

Spell check doesn’t like it. My daughter doesn’t like it. My mother says it looks like dog food. And I agree. But hummus doesn’t taste like dog food…does it?

My preference is traditional- scooped up with warm, olivy, crunchy pita bread…in fact, my lunch was mighty good!

Not like the commercials I see on TV- they suggest all kinds of uses for hummus as a dip- like using it to dip carrots or chicken planks. Those crazy people on TV use hummus for all kinds of crazy dips. I have never dipped broccoli into a cool pile of hummus, but I am positive it must be a wonderful experience. After all, a handful of hummus can do wonders…just like a handful of duct tape.

101 Things a Handful of Hummus Could Do….:

1. use it for plaster repair  2. mix it with mudding compound for a tasty wall finish  3. create hummus swirls on the ceiling to accentuate the style of your living room or kitchen  4. be the only person on your block to feature a lickable driveway 5. mix it with cement for a cool, tan-grey walkway 6. make your mortar go farther with a little hummus between the bricks when you are building 7. mix it with frosting mix for a truly middle eastern flavored icing 8. drop a handful of hummus in the boy’s room at school and see what happens! 9. Armed Forces: put it on the tips of missiles as you insert them into your missile launchers (finally some weapons with taste) 10. use it as fake dog food  11. or as fake dog vomit 12. lure your dog into the house with a thin line of hummus 13. use it as a cat deterrant (sticky kitty!) 14. pour a handful into yellowjacket holes to deter angry bees 15. hide a dollop around home plate…the other team won’t want to step on the bag (baseball, for all of you in non-baseball playing nations) 16. put it on a Nathan’s Hot Dog as a sauce…if you don’t want it, give it to Joey Chestnut…he’ll eat it 17. or, just give it Joey Chestnut 18. take it to a chicken pull 19. take it to a mule pull 20. take it to a square dance 21. take it to Burger King- stick your current movie-action figure in it to make it resemble quicksand!  22. play hummus toss (slightly more dangerous than midget tossing) 23. lure badgers with it  24. paint a fence with hummus  25. tie it up in a bandana and hurl it at an approaching possum  26. as you near a dead skunk on the road, open the window and drop a handful of hummus on it…to diffuse the smell  27. mix it in your pasta sauce for a truly fascinating taste! 28. bury it in the backyard and have the neighborhood kids play “the hummus games,” complete with huge hunting bows 29. go out into the woods and stick some hummus on a bush and see if the deer/geese/cows/goats will actually eat it  30. mix it with mashed okra, then put it in your homemade shotgun shells- it will be potent enough to kill everyone’s appetite 31. use a thin layer of hummus to get out scratches in CDs  32. dance the night away….in a dress made of hummus and pita 33. put it in with your fish fingers and custard 34. hummus curry sauce- need I say more?  36. mix with mashed potatoes  37. put out a fire with a handful of hummus 38. use it to make Hummus Souffle 39. or, a hummus omlette  40. instead of throwing snowballs, throw hummus balls. 41. line a football field/hurling field with “limed hummus.” 42. dip your beef jerky in hummus 43. put it in christmas cake or mincemeat 44. for a lamb-less stew, insert hummus instead 45. fix your dentures with it (hummus bond) 46. clean oil spills with it 47. mix it with sand for an amazing doggy doo-doo toy 48. cover your jello or other gelatin with it, like icing 49. fill a pool full of handfuls of hummus 50. use a handful as a fake beard…

OK, I came up with 50. Now, I challenge my creative, artistic audience to finish the 101 Things To Do With a Handful of Hummus…

Continental Confusion

Parsley is so underrated. First, it is green. Second, It is savory. And, also, it compliments garlic, blends well with cucumber, and makes chicken look pretty (at least the legs, thighs, and breasts). When was the last time a condiment made your legs, thighs, and breasts look better…oh, never mind…

But really, you could do worse. Especially with what you have in the fridge…well, if you’re single. Trying to come up with new recipes is difficult. To make matters worse, many of us shop at the grocery with a short circuit telling us to “get out of the store! get out of the store! do it now! before it is too late! no, not that dark chocolate…it has 43 grams of sugar. get out of the store!”

So you pass by the frozen food section, trying not to look at the cute redhead, and dump several plastic-like bags of beer battered fish into the cart, some unknown and unpronounceable vegetable mix, and a can of fruit cocktail. Fruit cocktail- what the flip are you thinking of! You can’t mix it with anything!

And so you cover ground much more quickly…until the hormones kick in…and you discover you are clutching an avocado. And a package of smelt-like little chicken strips from the severed legs of surprised, but now deceased, poultry. God forbid you put them back, as the young cashier who seems to smile every time you look her way, sees you try- attempt- to put them back. In the drink aisle. Near some sort of new coconut water.

So when you come to the checkout line- or counter, and let the young woman caress your avocado into a plastic bag, you now have no idea what to make with this mess. You comfort yourself with the thought that no one will see your meal, even if you decide to eat fish and chips for the seventh time in a row.

But your muse is telling you- as you drive home- that you can do something with your mix, even the fruit cocktail. “Surely, there is something I can make…different.”

And you would be right. Even if you had the following ingredients, very little time, and an IQ bordering on the average intelligence of an African Swallow (or is it European?).

With glee- not watching the program- you cook your fishy-looking chicken strips in a pan, then follow the following incredible directions, making yourself look like a super genius…

1. Mash one avocado

2. Add two tablespoons of hummus, two tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil, and a handful (ripped, not shredded peacefully) of curled parsley. Mash with a fork, then stir.

3. Add a teaspoon of garlic (or add your own mutilated garlic cloves), a dash of hungarian paprika, a dash of cumin, and a dash of love. Mix well.

4. Dice- violently- a cucumber (best done while watching football, hockey, or hurling) into tiny little bits. Dump into a bowl with the other ingredients.

5. Add some chopped scallions on top (I didn’t have any).

Viola! You have a magnificent dinner…with or without accompanying diners.

101 Things To Do With a Handful of Hummus

Spell check doesn’t like it. My daughter doesn’t like it. My mother says it looks like dog food. And I agree. But hummus doesn’t taste like dog food…does it?

My preference is traditional- scooped up with warm, olivy, crunchy pita bread…in fact, my lunch was mighty good!

Not like the commercials I see on TV- they suggest all kinds of uses for hummus as a dip- like using it to dip carrots or chicken planks. Those crazy people on TV use hummus for all kinds of crazy dips. I have never dipped broccoli into a cool pile of hummus, but I am positive it must be a wonderful experience. After all, a handful of hummus can do wonders…just like a handful of duct tape.

101 Things a Handful of Hummus Could Do….:

1. use it for plaster repair  2. mix it with mudding compound for a tasty wall finish  3. create hummus swirls on the ceiling to accentuate the style of your living room or kitchen  4. be the only person on your block to feature a lickable driveway 5. mix it with cement for a cool, tan-grey walkway 6. make your mortar go farther with a little hummus between the bricks when you are building 7. mix it with frosting mix for a truly middle eastern flavored icing 8. drop a handful of hummus in the boy’s room at school and see what happens! 9. Armed Forces: put it on the tips of missiles as you insert them into your missile launchers (finally some weapons with taste) 10. use it as fake dog food  11. or as fake dog vomit 12. lure your dog into the house with a thin line of hummus 13. use it as a cat deterrant (sticky kitty!) 14. pour a handful into yellowjacket holes to deter angry bees 15. hide a dollop around home plate…the other team won’t want to step on the bag (baseball, for all of you in non-baseball playing nations) 16. put it on a Nathan’s Hot Dog as a sauce…if you don’t want it, give it to Joey Chestnut…he’ll eat it 17. or, just give it Joey Chestnut 18. take it to a chicken pull 19. take it to a mule pull 20. take it to a square dance 21. take it to Burger King- stick your current movie-action figure in it to make it resemble quicksand!  22. play hummus toss (slightly more dangerous than midget tossing) 23. lure badgers with it  24. paint a fence with hummus  25. tie it up in a bandana and hurl it at an approaching possum  26. as you near a dead skunk on the road, open the window and drop a handful of hummus on it…to diffuse the smell  27. mix it in your pasta sauce for a truly fascinating taste! 28. bury it in the backyard and have the neighborhood kids play “the hummus games,” complete with huge hunting bows 29. go out into the woods and stick some hummus on a bush and see if the deer/geese/cows/goats will actually eat it  30. mix it with mashed okra, then put it in your homemade shotgun shells- it will be potent enough to kill everyone’s appetite 31. use a thin layer of hummus to get out scratches in CDs  32. dance the night away….in a dress made of hummus and pita 33. put it in with your fish fingers and custard 34. hummus curry sauce- need I say more?  36. mix with mashed potatoes  37. put out a fire with a handful of hummus 38. use it to make Hummus Souffle 39. or, a hummus omlette  40. instead of throwing snowballs, throw hummus balls. 41. line a football field/hurling field with “limed hummus.” 42. dip your beef jerky in hummus 43. put it in christmas cake or mincemeat 44. for a lamb-less stew, insert hummus instead 45. fix your dentures with it (hummus bond) 46. clean oil spills with it 47. mix it with sand for an amazing doggy doo-doo toy 48. cover your jello or other gelatin with it, like icing 49. fill a pool full of handfuls of hummus 50. use a handful as a fake beard…

OK, I came up with 50. Now, I challenge my creative, artistic audience to finish the 101 Things To Do With a Handful of Hummus…