Things That Did Not Happen This Year

As I look back on the year, it is cumbersome for me  to dissect all the posts and events that filled my life in 2013. So- I have decided to treat you to a list of some of the more important things that did not happen to me this year…

1. I did not get abducted by aliens from Chu’lak. Although I watched nearly every episode of the Stargate series, the stargate did not lock onto my coordinates.

2. Miley Cyrus did not visit my house in the nude. Not sure whether that was bad or good.

3. I never learned what the fox says. I have been in therapy ever since.

4. The doctors did not remove an eight foot intestinal worm from my bowels. However, there were many web news accounts of spiders, birds, tiny snakes, salamanders, mold, fungi, mitochondria, baba ganoush, and more…invading men, women, children, and bacon…

5. I never got to ride in a gypsy caravan, dance with a beautiful gypsy woman, nor gallop away on a horse called Tir Na N’Og…

6. My ex did not return to my neighborhood via a wormhole. Thank God.

7.  No giant sinkhole, meteor, hurricane, nor tsunami swallowed my apartment, my car, my refrigerator, my stove, my snow shovel, nor my elf hat…

8. I did not get lost forever in a giant Walmart parking lot and discover a black hole. Not even at Christmas.

9. I never found myself singing “O Canada” in French, while skating with baguettes, at an NHL hockey game in Ottawa during a blizzard. Although it might actually happen in Canada…to some guy… 

10. I never saw Sasquatch at one of the reported sighting areas…of course, I forgot to bring any beef jerky, so…

By the way, check out my colleague “Gimpet” at repressedexpressions.com. It was her blog post that got me thinking about doing a “year-end” type post.

I’ll take 100 bayonets, a refrigerator, and an oscillating fan

What can you do with a 100,000 dollar helicopter missing a wing? Or, a Humvee with no engine block? How about 100 Reagan-era bayonets? Apparently, you can use them in a small town police force, even if the only dangerous criminal in town is a seasonal visitor. That’s the beauty of the US Department of Defense downsizing program, an operation that gives millions of dollars of equipment to police departments all across the USA.

Unfortunately, according to recent press investigations, there are very few inspections or audits of police departments getting the materials. Some states have inspectors/auditors in place, however, whole states have had no individual to track these giveaways.

As one who has done farm and forestry inspections to check for adherence to a state government program’s specifications, it is amazing to me that we physically inspected properties to determine the details of farm use per acre while this giveaway program has no reliable record of inspections, nor a posse of inspectors to verify that Sheriff Sam isn’t getting nuclear warheads, hundreds of refrigerators, or thousands of boxes of government-issued gym shorts.

I’m not saying I should be the one inspecting these police departments. That should be someone the government hires who understands the regulations and who has a working knowledge of what police departments actually need. It would also help departments receive valuable materials to fight crime rather than receive more oscillating fans than a WalMart in Texas.

Or, the US government could ship all non-weapons materials to towns  and cities where the government could do what everyone else (in the non-coastal areas) does- have a giant yard sale.

What do you think?

In the dusk of a world sick with sin

I submit to you that that are many people out there who do not love anyone, not even themselves.

Recently, I read a short news article reporting about the multiple rape of a thirteen year old girl by a posse of illegal immigrants. It sickened me…however, I did not have the full story- not until a friend sent me a video of Glenn Beck.

I’m not a conservative, nor a liberal, I am a follower of Christ. My main concerns are not political, they are spiritual, and because of that, social. In fact, I don’t agree with Glenn Beck’s religious views either.

But what Beck revealed was, as Paul Harvey used to say, “the rest of the story.” And that left me even more perplexed, because when you reflect on such a horrific act- a thirteen year old raped by fourteen men, it is nauseating.

But what is more nauseating is when I ponder on what has happened in this sin-sick country. Great numbers of individuals are living like animals, so driven by sin that evil is glorified, and wrong celebrated.

And while innocents are raped and abused, egocentric women, vacuous in their thinking, arrange for the death of innocent babies God ordained to be created…a great proportion of wives leave their husbands, flaunting the sacred covenant of marriage in God’s face, because they are sexually depraved, narcissistic in their “beauty”- as Lucifer was before his fall (satan), and reject God…

…and then there are men, without wisdom, driven to act unnaturally because they reject the will of God and in rebellion rise up against the things of God…men who long to be wicked, violent, embracing death as a friend, and seeking to control and strangle life, not to love…

…and yet, there is a remnant. A small remnant. A chorus of people who seek the good, not what is evil. A group seeking to serve God and serve men, women, and all God’s children.

Today is the day of Salvation. Choose this day whom you shall serve…life or death.

For, as the great Bob Dylan sang, “you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”

God is color blind

So…apparently only one person liked my off-the-wall humor. Sad. We live in a sad little world today.

Get on the news and all you see is racism plastered across the screens. Black and white. How absurd! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we are all colored people. It is sin that makes people focus on a person’s worth based on skin color.

Some of the ruling establishment is attempting to stir up racism as a means to an end. A divided house or divided country is weak, and putty in the hands of men and women seeking control over it. If you seek the truth, it is time to turn off the fixated lawsuit happy/court room television crazy waste and get into the Word of God…it is only there that you will find purpose, be uplifted, and be just.

something smells rotten in dc

I gotta admit, I’m not too worried about it. Oh sure, the US government is culling scads of private information from citizens, including telephone calls, emails, and what I am writing right now. But, hey, in all fairness to our president and our fellow comrades, the lowly government worker (who enjoys modest $4 million dollar parties) has a job that is just no fun without spying on friends, fanatics, and fearful peasants….

Besides, you gotta love them. Anyway, who cares about your rights? I mean, when do you ever exercise them? You don’t…if you go vote what the controlled media tells you to vote, if you believe Big Brother (B.O. for short) every time he speaks, or if you consistently believe everything you hear on the radio or television- especially advertisements (the latter is a little like soaking your head in a flushing toilet-bowl- you feel something kinda swirly and realize you’ve just lost part of your brain cells) No…no…no. That would be too difficult. You might actually have to get up off the sofa and do something. God forbid it interrupts Family Guy, Glee, or the latest version of Xbox.

But some of you- out in the DSA, are not all that happy about B.O. and his Gang of Four (oh, sorry, I forgot what country I was in…for a minute there, I was thinking of communist China) …and his Gang of Thugs. You look around and see a meth-oxycodone-murder-enriched culture spreading out from the cesspools of a dysfunctional society (I need not name names of cities here) and you are alarmed. You have been so alarmed that you have taken measures that no one in their right mind twenty years ago would have dreamed of doing here in the DSA. And, you have been labelled a fanatic…even if you own no gun, know no tea parties (except with the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland), and couldn’t distinguish between a picture of Ted Cruz and Ted Nugent.

It is amazing that anyone can keep up with the scandals coming out of Washington. It reads like an Alex Jones monologue- without the psycotic episodes (oh, I’m sorry- those are psychotic episodes). It’s almost impossible to keep up with it all. That is why I am proposing that someone- not me, I have very little free time- create a website listing every scandal and a brief overview…to keep up with the times… 

Fluffinstorm

The wind outside is blowing so hard that some dude’s mind just passed by. I know it because a weather genius stood out in the cold and reported the story. And, you and I both know that when a weatherman speaks, he never lies. Oh, he may get a forecast wrong, but he will never lie…even if he is a she….

So, as I sit here, all wrapped up in the heat of a 70-degree thermostat, I can’t help but wonder why the outside weather doesn’t match what the weather expert is reporting. I have scanned the internet hoping to find some semblance of stability. Unfortunately, what I do see is a compilation of scattered models that would make an old Russian five-year plan blush.

Depending on the source, the weather brains have forecast four to sixteen inches of snow for my little town over the course of the next forty-eight to seventy-two hour period. I am so glad they have been so instructive, because I wouldn’t have a clue otherwise. I wouldn’t even know that it was snowing by going outside my house and feeling the spitting white stuff cover the rim of my hooded coat. No, I need a weather expert to tell me the facts. After all, I’m only human…whereas, the weather megagods are…

…all over the map. Quite literally. In vehicles, on bicycles, under overpasses, they are outstanding at the edge of hurricane waste dumps and blustering blizzards. They are in restaurants closed to civilians, courthouses chained shut after hours, and vehicle confiscation yards…everywhere. They are more omnipresent than Chinese restaurants…

…in odd locations…but, they are never reporting what is actually happening in my town. No, they are forecasting and predicting, like a toddler talking about the stock market on a Monday morning. Or, another idiot producing another Gangnam style parody. Or, an Obama-happy pollster lying about Obama leading in…anything…

…which is why I’d like a little explanation. I have been laboring under the delusion that weathermen and weatherwomen are sainted individuals under the guidelines set down by the Catholic Church. I know for a fact that several have produced miracles- snowstorms where there was no snow, end-of-the-world hurricanes that missed whole states, and heat waves that stayed around longer than the smell of a Hardee’s fish sandwich.

I’m going to get down to the bottom of this. And when I do, all Heaven is going to break loose….

the trouble with bacon

Someone scattered a “significant” amount of “raw” bacon in Central Park. The news media in NYC are calling it a potential “hate crime” against Moslems. My God, what an insult! Why, it’s as nasty as someone mailing a package of raw sauerkraut to a Jew…or leaving blood pudding on the doorstep of a pentecostal preacher’s house…

…but then again, the Jew and the Pentecostal would recognize the craziness of the situation, which must mean that the Jew and the Pentecostal might actually be rational thinkers. Any person suggesting that discarding bacon on a grassy knoll is a hate crime are a few fries short of a happy meal, a few disk errors short of a total meltdown, or a few votes shy of a fair Russian presidential election.

But…maybe I am not being fair to the poor despised zealots who believe Central Park is holy ground. Maybe bacon is “unclean.” The latter is likely the truth, unless the pig contains free range feed that does not include dead body parts, cans, and other oddities that pigs like to munch on- if given the opportunity. In fact, we might even say that any animal that eats things we qualify as “unhealthy” could be unhealthy. But that is not the point of the article. No, the assertion is that raw bacon is a hate crime.

…which makes me want to check my Baconator, bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich, or bacon cheeseburger the next time I indulge in greasy food- just to make sure it does not contain bacon. I could sue Wendys, McDonalds, Dairy Queen, Burger King- all the chocked-full-of-greese pork enriched establishments this side of Marrakesh- just because bacon is a hate crime. But, truth be known, I do not find the presence of bacon to be a hate crime. However….

…the presence of okra is another matter. It smells like the proverbial thrown shoe, cooks in a slimy way, and contains seeds like those within the alien seed pods documented in the Weekly World News. Anyone dispensing okra pods in an area within twenty yards of an Irish pub should be arrested for hate crimes against the freckled race. We have rights too. It is time someone did something about these hate crimes because we are sick and tired of these hate crimes against our people.

Someone actually got hit by flying okra last week. He went to his parish priest, scrubbed with holy water, and called the police to report the attack. He has since been moved to an undisclosed location, to avoid further attacks.

It is time to call for an end to these hate crimes. After all, these incidents represent a serious spiral in crime…not the petty serial murders, black mob violence, and rampant crime festering in our cities. No, spreading bacon and okra are a whole lot more serious crime.