when the world isn’t making much sense…does this help?
Tag: world
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i have never won an award for candor, comedy, or confusion…but i am sure that my followers might consider me for a “Mister Congeniality” award. Or, maybe not.
You see, trying to live a life as a disciple of Jesus sometimes ruffles feathers, steps on toes, and irritates people. But, to be fair, I have had my share of pains in the rectal sphere of influence over the course of my life. It has been a rough ride at times, and God has always seen me through or even allowed me to rise above the blazing saddle.
And like a whole lot of other authors on wordpress, I have plenty I could complain about…starting with that lack of a female companion…due to the stupidity of certain members of the opposite gender who will remain nameless, and who, like Mrs Boring, have probably crapped their collective pants over their incredibly obtusely proportioned decision-making skills. But, I will not dwell in the dungeons of despair. No, I will not sink to the depths of depression.
No, I have not suffered such terrible troubles that my life is a collected book of woe, a compendium of compromise, or a trilogy of tragedy. In this blessed and wonderful life of mine, I have not ever….
(1) Fallen off a log, hitting my head and forgetting my name…then returning to Salem, looking like another guy and falling in love with the woman my alter ego was married to before I hit my head and forgot everything…and then became a state department spokesman…
(2) Electrocuted my private part “palace” while trying to fix my acid-filled battery because my car stopped in the middle of a turn only lane…
(3) Exploded in spontaneous combustion after ingesting 1,000 tablets of cinnamonn bark extract tablets because they may lower my blood sugar 15%. (But did you know you can save 15% on your car insurance by marrying the GEICO CEO’s daughter?)
(4) Lost consciousness when a 20 ton stack of Jack Links Beef Jerky fell on my head while searching for a missing “teenage stock boy” in the WalMart storage labyrinth (complete with rows of Mogen David wines and the most revolting Sherry and cologne-like Brandy ever to don the shelves of any grocery facility….or, as Alex Trebek might say “What is Catholic Purgatory?”)
(5) Had my fingers eaten by a frothing, two-fanged dog while being chased by a flock of rebellious Amish goats down a one lane mud track beyond a sign painted with the words “Welcome to the Eli E.Y.B.Z Yoder’s”
(6) Been chased by a one-toothed hag around the outside of a 24 X 200 barn, while holding a clipboard and a measuring wheel.
(7) Sat my buttocks down on a pile of freshly chewed gum because the sign said…
No, lads and lassies…thankfully, I have been spared such audacious trauma…
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after 227 posts, i want to thank all of you for visiting my site, reading, and commenting. today i had a visit from one in the lovely nation of Belize, a jewel nestled in between Mexico, Guatemala, and the Carribean. years ago I visited this hot, colorful nation with a group of other students from Ohio, just after Belize became independent. I have fond memories of Belize, and fonder memories of one from Belize- one I lost contact with several years ago from the town of Corozal…one I would really like to find again…but I digress…
But there are more wonderful places throughout the world, and I am happy to know that my writing is appreciated in Nigeria, Malta, Ecuador, Mongolia, and more. I expected the Irish and the Canadians, and an occasional visitor from Scotland- since I do appreciate a good haggis…no, strike that, a good hugging…especially from a lassie with fine curly red hair…or with any hair for that matter…
It is my hope that we all can share the great gifts God has given us- both in our writing and in our cultures. I would love to see some Mongolian recipes, talk bread rolls with a Lisbon baker, and find out how to skin an iguana before making a meal…
…sharing the wealth of the world between colleagues…one post, one comment, at a time…
Slan go foill…
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it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I don’t feel fine. My stomach has been on the agitation cycle, some unknown substance or condition has made me feel two months pregnant (and I’m a man!), and I only feel like eating bananas. (and splitting infinitives) And, the new job search is…lonely.
“Apply online.”
“No, you’ll have to apply online.”
“I don’t know, but we don’t do that here. You’ll have to apply online.”
Right.
I went into an office, dressed appropriately, to speak with the personnel director.
“I am sorry, we don’t have anything right now. And I don’t believe we’ll have anything. But you can always apply online.”
In another business office, I walk through the doorway….
Run away! Run away! Here comes another applicant. “Betty, hold my calls. I’m going into hiding.”
No, it didn’t happen that way, but it sure makes a guy feel strange when people are purposely avoiding you. Why don’t they just tell the truth?
“I’m sorry- our business sucks, we’re waaaayyyy in debt over our heads, and I’ve considered seeing a therapist.”
When did it become in vogue to avoid people?
“No, Betty, don’t send him in. I’m busy playing Minecraft.”
Apply online.
So, OK.
A quick glance at available jobs:
1. Dollar General Associate. Pays minimum wage. 30 hours a week. (Can I pay the bills if I live in a box down by the river?)
2. Part Time GMAT instructor. 10 hours a week. (If you know the GMAT, why would you be applying for this job? Yes, the economy is that dysfunctional?)
3. Youth Rehabilitation Associate. Must have Masters Degree in a related field. Part-time. (Gittt outttaaa heeeere!)
4. Merchandiser. May work with staff at WalMart. (Can you say, hey, that’s the food taster lady?)
5. Informational Design Anomaly Specialist. (Can someone please translate? I speak in tongues, but this is just not fair!)
Ugh!!!!
End Part One. I think.
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The dryer whines, making a noise like a two year old trying to run away from the potty…chased by the boogie man. I’ve had days like this, but will someone please write me an excuse note for my forgetfulness…walking back from the laundry room, dazed from a lack of sleep, awash in lists and sublists, you’d think I was the CEO for Whirlpool. The new year has come in the door, stomping on the floor, dirtying the rug with refuse…I think I need another start,
It is no fun when both my working days and leisure times bring me the kind of excitement one expects at WalMart, commercial purveyor of all things banal and ubiquitous. Already ten days through the year, yet I can’t name a single high point- all the days seem like generic brands. No shamwows, no Pet Meds commerical cuties, just plain labelled days. Mamma said life was all about my attitude, but seriously, when the most exciting moment in the day is eating Rainforest Granola, I believe we have a problem…I’m feeling a little like Deep Space 9- isolated by my lists, sublists, and lesson plans from Purgatory…
Finding a date here is also a problem. I’m no Casanova, but I’m not a cassava either; I have a creative brain and serious experience- and knowledge and wisdom is sexy. You can’t get that from Viagra. And you certainly can’t find it in your standard WalMart…
…kind of like ethnic food. Try to find a Korma Chicken in the frozen food aisle- in most places, the most ethnic item in the Walmart freezer section is a sealed package that looks like it contains Joe Biden’s bald head. And some people might actually believe that conspiracy theory…but let’s don’t go there. It’s as bad as watching a three day Alex Jones Tribute to Piers Morgan or “Great Romance Tips from Tickle, The Moonshiner,” stuck inside the house during a never-ending blizzard. You could die of boredom…or a deranged mind.
Which is why I am careful looking for the future love of my life. I have noticed that certain divorced individuals have spent most of their lives unaware of the real world outside their communities. This is evident when people ask me if I still speak French, or if I like wearing my Chinese hat (see profile picture). Still more obvious revelations come from particular females if they ask me if I “speak Curry” or not…especially since I have obviously removed my forehead dot. Such drivel deserves a nationally-recognized award for Social Ineptitude or at least Most Creative Insult. I must admit that I have considered speaking Curry just to satisfy these bastions of mental acuity, but I have too many things on my list to check off, and it is already January 10th on my calendar…so, sorry, girls…
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Having dined on a fresh pile of pleasant-smelling greens and herbs, I am settling down for a cool, introspective night, in solitude and silence. Outside, the just predicted snowstorm has disappeared, hiding from our weatherman and weathergirl (or weatherwoman, not to be confused with “wonder woman” or “wonder bra,” or…”wonder if the winter wonderland will return to West Virginia”). “We” were supposed to have a snow-dump appear from nowhere, destroying my plans to join old friends for a four hour extravaganza, concluding with a middle-of-the-night breakfast feast. But not this year.
No, this year promises to be different. And so I shall wish all of you a Happy New Year, even those celebrating different calendars throughout the global village (Remember- “it takes a calendar”). I know it is a radical idea for those of us who grew up watching the ball drop in Times Square on the blab tube, but I do realize that a number of my viewing public is not celebrating a new year tonight. It is for them that I must say “Happy New Turning of the Night into Day” or “Happy End of the New Moon Phase in your Quadrant” or even “Happy Existentially Important Section of The Next Season of Your Time Reckoning.” I would be amiss if I did not point out that under certain circumstances and in certain traditions abroad, this night might be dedicated to “spirit beings” who do not follow any calendar and who may not be ready to celebrate the next obligatory holiday, let alone a New Year. Suffice to say, I will also not be sending New Years greetings to anyone with more than two voices in their heads. After all, I have to draw the line somewhere…