bananas, bloating, and the new job search

it’s the end of the world as we know it, and I don’t feel fine. My stomach has been on the agitation cycle, some unknown substance or condition has made me feel two months pregnant (and I’m a man!), and I only feel like eating bananas. (and splitting infinitives) And, the new job search is…lonely.

“Apply online.”

“No, you’ll have to apply online.”

“I don’t know, but we don’t do that here. You’ll have to apply online.”


I went into an office, dressed appropriately, to speak with the personnel director.

“I am sorry, we don’t have anything right now. And I don’t believe we’ll have anything. But you can always apply online.”

In another business office, I walk through the doorway….

Run away! Run away! Here comes another applicant. “Betty, hold my calls. I’m going into hiding.”

No, it didn’t happen that way, but it sure makes a guy feel strange when people are purposely avoiding you. Why don’t they just tell the truth?

I’m sorry- our business sucks, we’re waaaayyyy in debt over our heads, and I’ve considered seeing a therapist.”

When did it become in vogue to avoid people? 

“No, Betty, don’t send him in. I’m busy playing Minecraft.”

Apply online.

So, OK.

A quick glance at available jobs:

1. Dollar General Associate. Pays minimum wage. 30 hours a week. (Can I pay the bills if I live in a box down by the river?)

2. Part Time GMAT instructor. 10 hours a week. (If you know the GMAT, why would you be applying for this job? Yes, the economy is that dysfunctional?)

3. Youth Rehabilitation Associate. Must have Masters Degree in a related field. Part-time. (Gittt outttaaa heeeere!)

4. Merchandiser. May work with staff at WalMart. (Can you say, hey, that’s the food taster lady?)

5. Informational Design Anomaly Specialist. (Can someone please translate? I speak in tongues, but this is just not fair!)


End Part One. I think.

About thelostkerryman

Thelostkerryman is an author, and entrepreneur, living in the forests of a consistently confused country. Here in this hill country, hurling doesn't usually involve a hurley; store-made soda bread has the consistency of a sea sponge; and Kerrygold butter has finally found a permanent place on the grocery shelves everywhere. His blogs are an account of his adventures, thoughts, eclectic -and eccentric- ramblings, random or insightful poetry, humor and non-humor, pictures (photos), video, essays, fiction, poetic fiction, nonfiction, drama, and writing he has not classified in the description above. All of his posts from,,, and are copywrited according to international copywrite law.
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